So Long Insecurity Week Six!
Hey Everybody! I am so proud of you guys! Your discussions have been tremendous. I am especially happy that so many of you have jumped in with us late and gone back to the very beginning, signed in, and added your answers to the previous weeks of our book discussion. Way to go! As we moderate, we give the same attention to the comments on the older posts as the ones that are up-to-date. I promise you that community and active discussion will make your journey far more meaningful and hold you infinitely more accountable.
Ok, we’re about to get to a part of the book that I found highly interesting in research. The next several chapters involve the insights from the men’s survey and I bet a few of their comments will pop your eyes open, too. In the mix of what we have ahead, we’re going to be focusing on men-related insecurities then soon after that (in coming chapters) we’ll focus specifically on women-related insecurities. Each of us has a tendency to be less secure around one gender than the other and, according to the survey of over 900 of you, we’re almost evenly divided between the two. I pray we’re going to gain insight into some gender-related insecurities and stumble upon some much needed freedom. I really want you to read the portions about the men even if you don’t have a mate or a specific man in your life. If we have resistant, resentful hearts toward men, we can’t just avoid them altogether. They comprise the other half of our population so it really is imperative in our pursuit of wholeness that we get a grip.
Your assignment for this week is to read CHAPTERS 10 AND 11 and answer the following question:
1. Based on Chapter 10, in all truthfulness, has your historical tendency been to view men (generally speaking) as gods? Or devils?
2. Based on Chapter 10 and your own day-to-day observances, what differences do you see between men’s insecurities and women’s?
3. On p.208 in Chapter 11, I suggest that women who struggle with insecurity tend to be particularly taken with 2 divine attributes: omnipotence and omniscience. Did either of these resonate with you? If so, how?
We are liable to have some LIVELY conversation this week! I can’t wait to see it happen! Just one little thing I want to throw out there: some of you may have some pretty big hang-ups with men because you have a background of abuse like I do. If it plays heavily into one of your answers, by all means, share what pertains but I’ve learned along the way that it’s best to stop short of graphic descriptions. Most people have a hard time knowing what to do with those kinds of mental images. I’ve told every graphic detail in counseling situations but, publically, I try to stay general. It’s just too much for most listeners and readers. They have compassion but they just don’t have the answers. We know Who does.
Go for it, Girls! I’m so honored to take this journey with you.
posted by Beth @ 10:05 AM
347 Comments
347 Comments:
I am so looking forward to getting into these two chapters. I hate to admit, but I am still waiting to finish my special time for chapter 9. I am going to do that first and then all to this week's assignment.
Thanks for your impact on my life and so many others to "Break Free" and become liberated in Christ!
Blessings to you!
Eleanor
married
50's
Hey Beth,
I will post my answers after I read the chapters, but I had a thought.(I know, could be scary!)I LOVED the post about verses that had security in them! God popped a thought into my head today,(believe me, I couldn't have come up with this on my own.) and I was wondering if we could do the same thing with songs that deal with this subject as well? Like Brit Nicole has a song called "Walk on the Water". I also like her "Free to be Me". Casting Crowns has "Voice of Truth"...These songs really lift my spirit, and I thought they might lift others up as well. Just a thought,if you didn't want to do it that is fine too.
On a different note,we have a lot of inspirational plaques hanging where I work They are made by a local woman. One of my absolute favorites is a twist on a very old song, "Jesus Loves Me". The plaque reads," Jesus knows me, this I love." I think that has been around a while,too, but I just love it.
Have a wonderful rest of the week! Love you!
Joan
Portage,MI
40's
Married
Amy
Washington, D.C.
Single (sigh)
20s
Beth, I first wanted to say how much I am loving this study. I am slowly but surely gaining victory over my insecurities. I've encouraged my mother (to whom I have looked up to since I was little - she's a pastor's wife and full of the Word...my best friend) to start this study and two days ago she called and said she just bought it. :) I told her I would send her the assignments each week like you have done with us and she is so excited! I told her she could just post her answers in the comment section. I'm glad you said that you and the other ladies still go through them. It means so much to me.
My mother has been to your tapings and I hope one day I can too!
Oh, I'm sooo behind. But I'm coming! I'm coming! I won't be left behind.... I'm determined to catch up! Oh, Mr. Time, please work with me.
Hey.... God pushed by the time for..... Okay, Okay, I won't ask Him for that! :)
Sharon
married
montgomery, al
40s
Marlo
32, married
Indiana
Loved these chapters!
Men have been gods to me. A few devils, but mostly gods.
I'd never considered how their insecurities validate them (or not) as men. I still feel like a woman no matter how insecure I am. And that whole cling/withdraw thing -- so true!
I laughed out loud at "I needed to take control of the situation and try to shove Keith to his happy place." Me! Me! (Substitute the name, but otherwise that's me.) Trying not to nag but to "encourage" him. pfftt!
For some weird reason, I've tied my security to my hubby's moods and spiritual temperature.
I need to work on that.
Jumping in ahead. I have a very bad attitude toward men. DEVILS!
ALMOST ALL OF THEM!
1. I tend to see my man as a god. I allow his moods to determine mine and look to him for strength. I've also tended to see most men as gods...because girl relationships as a child/teenager/young adult WORE ME OUT!! Having boys/men as friends was just easier. This didn't work out so well after I was married though, had to go back to women friends.
2. It seems that men mostly having the insecurity of fear of failure is somewhat the root for most women, we just call it something different because we're detail oriented!
3. Yes, the omnipotent, omniscient thing resonated with me...UGH!!! If I could just get him to feel the way I want him to feel, you know, be his conscience for him. I'm learning this one painfully and slowly. But, by HIS grace, I'm getting it!!
I'm learning so much, Beth. Thank you for your research, your truthfulness, your wisdom, and your willingness to let God use you.
And, by the way, I have a few girlfriends that could use this book, but they're so complicated that they'd be mad if I suggested it. Should I just stick a copy in their mailbox, anonymously? That's what I'm thinking!! HAHAHA
Julie
Virginia
30's
Married
Beth, in response to your abuse or abused women like you, I wish your mother was alive so she could share a chapter in this book or another book from being the mother of a child who has been abused. Give some insight on how to help the adult child or for that matter any insight on the situation. A child hurts and the mother hurts too.
1)Historicly speaking, I would say my tendancy has been to make men gods not devils.
2)Men seem to disguise their insecurity by displaying pride where as women's insecurity bring about fear and timidity.
3)Both!
A. Omnipotence. I have many times in the early years of our marriage did the very same thing you did with Keith. If I could just get my husband to understand that serving God the way He wanted us to, we would be soooo much happier. It wasn't until our marriage nearly blew apart at the ten year mark that God finally showed me that I was driving him away. I had to learn to love my man UNCONDITIONALLY and STOP placing conditions on him that I thought should be evident in his life. Church, vocabulary, music, entertainment...yes all those things I wanted to change as well. When I truly allowed God to be my source of comfort and wisdom, day by day in how to do this, then God brought my husband to the place that He and He alone could make the change in his heart. Happy ending....He did! Perfect, no...but neither am I. Better Yes! Both of us. Beth you are so right! We can't change them as hard as we try! God alone is the Omnipotent Potter.
B. Omniscience: Seeking to know too much is surely a tool of the devil when it comes to our mans minds. Been there, done that. Jesus can indeed rebuild lives blown skyhigh by our own hands. I am proof!
PS. Conversation in car yesterday by two dear friends that won your book by memorizing theme verse Rev.17:14 said... "I am thoroughly convinced Beth wrote this book with me in mind." The other said, "I thought the very same thing." Thank you for hearing the wisdom of God and sharing what we all need to know in order to gain our dignity back.
Sandy
50's
Married
1) gods, this was modeled to me growing up, to "bow under the wieght of anger and unforgiveness," and to devote our energies on keeping the peace with men based more on fear than anything else. Because these gods were not real, disappointment, lonliness, stuffed emotions resulted and eventually brought on pit dwelling when in their presence.
2)my own observances with men- men use their children more to quench their insecurity(ex- go to extreme measures for little Johnny to be a great athlete, extreme pressure for child to perform well) Women quench their own physical insecurities by going to extreme measures to dress their children so extravegantly, enter in beauty contests, membership is certain organizations just to "feel important."
3)the second devine attribut of omniscience resonated with me deeply. My insecurity often finds me seeking to know things that "aren't necessary" for me to know or completely astonish me, perhaps devastate me when I do find. Ex- some letters left in my parents' house after both had passed away last year. My Mom had written some cruel things written to me and did not even send them, kept them, when I read them I was so hurt. Still not sure if I was seeking what I shouldn't have been(from insecurity) or God intended for me to see them at that particular time. I had healed enough already from the past that I honestly knew Satan's schemes and was able to offer her much grace in a short amount of time.
Rose
single
30's
1. I've tended to view men more as gods, though a touch of empathy (surely God's grace) often helps me see through the chinks in their armor to their own neediness.
2. You're right on about men "creating space" when they are insecure, either through withdrawal or abrasive behavior. I know that I usually do the opposite, and like most women I can turn as clingy as Saran wrap. (shudder)
3. I'd never thought about it like this, but when you described your young friend eating from the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil" I immediately connected--been there, done that. As a woman with a strong desire to KNOW, I need the Spirit's strong conviction when I'm getting too close to dangerous ground--Go no further!
Hi Beth and dear ladies,
I know I can come here in the comfort of all your prayers. So it is with this that I ask, are some of you still feeling sick in the pit of your stomach? As an abused child, all men leave me with a feeling of being nothing. My husband is a dear man but I find I feel so guilty if I can't do daily things with him. He is so kind about it but there are many days I just cannot get dressed, get out of bed or act like life is worth it. 'Cause there are days when its NOT.
Another thing that irks me today, is that the church in our city is doing the CCN for this study with Beth, but they are offering tickets FIRST to their own congregation before presenting tickets to the city. This is a big church. It seats 800, and with the 3 services this church offers if everyone brought 2 people to see this study where does that leave the rest of us. Now I know that sounds terribly pitiful; my insecurities again.
Is there anyone who is still feeling attacked by the enemy through this study? I have both the book and CD and my batteries died right in the middle of titanic. You will understand when you get to what Beth is saying. Everyday is a bad struggle. Is there help for me or am I just as lost as when I started???Rebecca
39
Married
Ile Bizard, Quebec, Canada
1. Gods or devils...probably a little of both. I allowed them too much power over me. Boys, men, I was who they wanted me to be. I was happy if they were happy. I felt responsible if they weren't. I always wondered what I did wrong. And when they disappointed me, and they always did, they became devils. But in reality, they were neither gods nor devils. They were simply guys who I looked to for everything they couldn't give me. And it hurt. It still hurts.
2. First of all, I was so wrapped up in my own insecurities that I never considered that men have them too. After all, they are the ones who caused most of mine, so what did they have to feel insecure about?
Differences? Based on my life, at this moment, my man's insecurities are mostly about me and the kids. Is he providing enough for US? Is he letting US down? Is he giving US what he thinks we need. Is he being a good father. Is he being a good husband. He wants all those things for US. My insecurities are all about me. Am I pretty enough, thin enough, good enough, nice enough...for him to want to stay with me. I don't know, I feel like my insecurities are more selfish than his. Does that make sense?
3. Beth, you are bang on about the need for control being directed toward those who have the most potential to either threaten our security or strengthen it. Although I don't tend to control my man, sometimes I manipulate the situation to meet my need. But I definitely try to control my children for fear that they will do the things I did that ended me up where I am right now - reading a book about insecurity =)
I'd like to make a comment about another part of chap. 11 where you wrote, there is knowing and there is knowing too much. My husband had an affair about 5 years ago. Since then I have come to understand why it happened and I have forgiven him. Like I've said before, he is a different man today thanks to God. I felt the Spirit telling me that I needed to forgive the other woman too. I know that thought didn't come from me! But a couple of days later, I found her on facebook and sent her a simple message "I forgive you". She answered back "I'm sorry". But then I was wanting to know why, and what, and how. I know without a doubt that those thoughts were from my flesh, not God. I was doubly sure when I read the part about knowing too much and what could come out of it. After much thought, I knew I didn't want to go there because it didn't matter anymore. I'm not the same person and neither is my husband. The 2 individuals that existed 5 years ago don't exist anymore. Some questions are really best unanswered. That part of chapter 11 has saved me from opening a can of worms I'm not strong enough to handle. Thank you!
Dear Ms. Beth,
Thought I'd be honest about how your book has opened a can of worms in me
http://elizabethfstewart.blogspot.com/2010/03/me-insecure-not-me-i-think.html
I love you!
It's amazing how much I am learning by doing the Believing God study and reading this book at the same time! God is showing me that that most of my insecurity stems from my thinking patterns, and in order to change my insecurity, I have to speak truth, not just think it! In Believing God I'm on the part about renouncing out loud and speaking Scripture. I have made index cards with all the verses that you all posted that resonated with me! Doing this really helps change my thinking habits. Also, from the Believing God study - blessing my husband outloud starts to resonate within me to help me focus on the positive and not the negative! I guess you could say that has blessed ME and I thought I was just trying to bless him! I hope it helps him as much as it's helped me. :)
The mind is a powerful thing! I CAN'T WAIT for the day when I can say the majority of my thoughts are positive and not negative or lies - "You failed again. You can't be secure." Instead, I say out loud, "I will fall, but I will rise again." - That was one of the verses but I can't remember which one.
I don't know why but I have always had trouble praying out loud by myself - like we did in Ch. 9 I think it was. It was a good time with God but it frustrates me that I have trouble with that and I really can't pinpoint why! I even told Him so! But I also told Him I know the lies I am thinking about my insecurity will only change if I speak renouncing words out loud because the enemy, thank goodness, can't read my mind! And I have to say it to start believing it because that is the only way it will sink in, to start believing God! I am who GOD says I am, not who I try to tell myself I am. You are who GOD says you are!
Well, I had to really think about the last two chapter assignments.
it's never as simple as A or B with me, I don't know why and wish that it was, but here goes.
1, Devils. I know a lot of good men, my dad is one of them and I grew up pretty sheltered, but evil lurks even in the sunshine and I was given reasons early on to fear men. God has healed the pain, but some of the fear still remains. Even now that I am married to a wonderful man, and have many Godly male friends whom I admire, my first reaction to a man is usually one of suspicion and wariness. I know that most of them are probably fine men who deserve respect and understanding there is a part of me that never quite trusts them.
2,I've read a lot of books this year and had some great talks with my husband about men's insecurities and have had my eyes opened wide to the demons they face. I have noticed though that while men may have similar issues, they rarely show them the same way, and are often much harder to convince that they are indeed worthy and loved. I also realize that the majority of their insecurities cannot be addressed or 'fixed' by me or any other woman. They need male affirmation, but will rarely ask for it. It's painful to watch and not be able to help!
3,BOTH! lol.
As a teen and young adult perhaps more the first, but in the last few years it's been mainly the latter. I'm happily married to a Godly and loving man, but there are times I am tempted to 'snoop' just to put my mind at ease. Usually I catch myself and don't go there, but sometimes I give in when the opportunity is just too perfect, but I always feel bad afterwards, like I've invaded his privacy in a way that I would never want my own invaded. I'm learning to keep conversation open and honest, and trust the rest to God. Sigh, I don't have kids yet, so who knows what monstrous struggles I'll have with both issues once they're teens :) I guess it's all in God's hands.
Rebekah
nearly 30
Yuma, AZ
married
1. I have tended to see them as both gods and devils depending on who they are. At times as devils, not believing the best about them being suspicious towards them based on past hurts, and other times as gods thinking they could do no wrong and certainly not seeing them as human as we are. I think it's because the fear of being hurt prevented me from seeing them as human as me because then I had to brace myself for the hurt and disappointment that was sure to follow. Not wanting to face the reality of that probably helped me to continue to go back and forth between seeing them as a devil one moment and a god the next. Thanks for the insight into their world.
2. One of the differences I see is perhaps in the way they act it out. They can tend to be more internal about it and not so easily share with a close friend.
Jariza
33
Alburtis, Pa
married
Susie, Marietta, 60 (almost), married.
I have two girls that are grown and married, and we are going to be doing the book together in a few weeks. So, I'm cutting and pasting the discussion questions each week for us to use. As I read each weeks questions and posts I'm getting more excited about doing the book with my 2 girls!
Ok, I forgot one slight thing I wanted to add.
I have realized in the last few months that my moods definitely hinge on my hubbies. I hate how it affects me! If he's grouchy my good mood goes down the drain. I often wonder if I've done something, or else am trying to figure out how to best improve his mood or stay out of his hair. It doesn't make me terribly insecure, but it does mess with my emotions. Not sure if that makes him a god, but it is something I know I need to work on and trust God with. Sigh, so much to learn...
Rebekah
sos asked for help for the parents of a child who has been abused, even if the child is an adult now. I, too, would value your insights - what your parents should have done, perhaps, or what they did do that was helpful. The mom hurts, too, but differently.
I thought this quote might speak to some others also while I am catching up on my work.Thankfully my book came this week.!!
Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one's heart, its pleasures and its pains, to a dear friend. Tell God your troubles, that God may comfort you; tell God your joys, that God may sober them; tell God your longings, that God may purify them; tell God your dislikes, that God may help you conquer them; talk to God of your temptations, that God may shield you from them: show God the wounds of your heart, that God may heal them. If you thus pour out all your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say. Talk out of the abundance of the heart, without consideration say just what you think. Blessed are they who attain to such familiar, unreserved intercourse with God. --Francois Fenelon
Christine
30
married :)
1. Men, hmmmm... not sure if I've seen them as either, but maybe I'm taking it a bit too literally. If anything I would say gods. I was never pursued or accepted romantically by guys until I found my husband. No dating, no nothing. Praise God for his grace, but it left me feeling rejected constantly. I was obsessed with finding a guy. Does that mean I saw them as gods in a way? maybe so.
2. It seems like for men, generally speaking, their insecurities are more performance related in one way or another. For women it tends to be more about WHO we are as a woman.
3. Girl, this definitely resonated with me. First omnipotence. Here's where it got me: "I believe our greatest challenge as women is to avoid trying to control someone toward what we're genuinely convinced is a better life." I do this. "If my loved one would [take my suggestions], then I'd be [the hero, their hero]. I want to be the all-wise-one, so when I think I have the answer, I get this tense feeling in communicating it, trying desperately to convince them, if I feel like I'm losing ground I get internally frustrated and try harder. In the end when they don't take my advice, you're right, the insecurity that drove me to it in the first place only deepens. This pretty little cycle is actually liberating to discover, though it isn't pretty at all. :)
And omniscience. Oh how I've fallen hard with this one, in so many relationships. The most lamentable is definitely in regards to my husband's past. While dating and early marriage I insisted on knowing details. Auspiciously and not my husband did drugs in high school and his memory just isn't what it used to be. :) He was also wise to my game and knew the danger. He gave me some details and those haunt me to this day. Mega.
Also, with a certain female who I'm severely insecure around I have an insatiable requisite for info about her life. She's private and full of heartache, disappointment, and trials (and yes, some serious blessings too), but hearing about the crappy stuff in her life always makes me feel better. For like 2 seconds.
Arrrg.
Dear Anonymous @12:08(Rebecca),
I am not equipped to give you any kind of "advice", but my heart hurt for you when I read your comment. I can tell you that when I did chapter 9 on Monday, the devil launched an attack on me! I keep doing what I need to be doing even if the feelings aren't there, and that keeps me grounded in God, who is with us every step of the way. Like Beth said once,"Sometimes we feel the right thing and sometimes we fake the right thing." Feelings can be very deceitful. Trust what God's Word says, it is the only thing you can know for sure is telling you the truth.I'm sorry you struggle with the things you do. I will be praying for you, sweet Siesta, as I'm sure my fellow Siestas are as well! God bless you!
Joan
Here's hoping my SECOND comment will be as good as my first ... something when wrong in blogville and while editing my comment, it went away. SO here goes again.
1. I don't want to say gods and I don't want to say devils. I'd like to say I have been well balanced all my life; but you said we had to be honest. It was demonstrated for me for most of my life that men were the superior gender and a woman was not much without one. I adopted that for much of my life and men were gods to be admired, pursued and obeyed. And then for a season most of them were devils to me -- didn't trust 'em and didn't need 'em. I am grateful to say ABBA fixed that. On the day my Man and I married I told him he was the best since Jesus to me and I meant it. I still do. However, there are times I say that now by faith and not so much feeling! BIG SMILE!
2. I now think men are just as insecure as women and even in the same ways -- they just act it out differently. Now when I encounter a man who's cocky and so sure of everything, I'm not so offended. I realize he may be that way because something inside is so very painful and he just does not want to look at it.
3. omniscience. That was a problem for me. I don't think (oops insecurities showing) it is any more since I 'just had to know' and I dug till I found it. I don't do that anymore. I guess you could say curiosity killed the Kat. Now omnipotence that's another story. After all if I control the lives around me then it won't be as likely that stuff is out there for me to know. How'd that work out for me? It didn't. And now finally, I am learning and believing ABBA knows and He's in control and that's better than okay with me.
Thanks, Beth. Love you like crazy! Holy Hugs,
Kathie in Satsuma, Alabama at the sage age of 58. BIG SMILE!!
I just wanted to say thank you, this last week I have been in a lot of uncomfortable situations and EVERY time I'm feeling "less than" I just say to myself "I am clothed in strength and dignity" and I hold my head high and smile because I know I am loved! I know I'm going to take a lot more than just that from this book and your studies but even if that was all I got from this it has changed my life and for that I wanted to say thank you!!
Janice
44
Single
Tumwater, WA
I've not had time to post much, but had to tell ya'll. This study, from day one has changed me. I believe I'm seeing a miracle occur. I'm doing and working like I've never done before because there is this awesome security in me. God is great...always. I'm one that was insecure about nearly everything and now, it's not there. Praise God!!!!!
Meredith
Salisbury, NC
59
happily married for 40 yrs.
kerri
kansas city
married
28
1. men have totally been gods to me. i don't think i ever realized that. i actually hate admitting that. :) they held the power to give me esteeem in my mind, at least before i was married and dating. now i try to force that power on my poor husband. that's divine power that only Jesus has. i've got to stop believing my husband has that kind of power.
2. men have insecurities too. sometimes they look similar to ours, sometimes they take a different shape. men seem to have the ability to compartmentalize their insecurities, you know... place it somewhere in their mind and forget about it for a while. (can't be too healthy either!) where women seem to be bombarded by it continually. at least we are forced to deal with!
3. the "al1l knowing" God-quality is so true for me! i've always joked around saying confidently that i'm "nosey". but ouch, that is dead on. i've found myself spying on my husband's former girlfriends facebook profile more times than i would ever like to admit! i used to laugh at it and giggle with my friends, but the roots of that "innocent habbit" go way deeper than i ever knew. now i see it as deep rooted insecurity and i'm convicted. i'm not feeling shame. i just realize that there is a part of my heart that is sick. a part that needs the redemptive power of the Holy Spirit. i already feel some freedom. and i think i want more. :)
the Father is doing little miracles all over my heart. i'm feeling "clothed with strength and honor" during times i usually would have felt exposed and ashamed.:)
Hi Siesta Mama:):)
I honestly don't know how I view them..I guess moreso as gods then devils. I think I distrusted men growing up because of the sexual abuse I suffered. I wanted the healthy affection only a father can give, but I wasn't getting that from my dad or my step-dad. I resented that deeply. I looked at the men I wanted to date as gods in a way-like I was looking for my Prince Charming or something, so when a guy I liked showed affection, I was prone to compromise my purity...I can't think of many differences betwn men and women's insecurities;the men I've been around gen seem to react to their insecurities with anger or frustration instead of the anxiety/worry that I feel when insecure...Omniscience moreso than omnipotence resonated with me, I did want men to find me desirable, but I didn't want to steal anyone's man-praise the Lord! I did want to read their minds though. Like you, I also wanted my man to become more absorbed in all things spiritual. Very true that we can't change people, only God can. I have found that when my husband disappoints me, prayer is the most effective means to change his mind and his heart. Seriously, it always works. I tell God my disappointment or grievance, and ask Him to change my mind where needed and to change his...and He always does! It amazes me. Simple, but I'm telling you, it works. God answers prayer!:)
Blessings, Love in HIM, ((HUGS))
katiegfromtennessee
katie
Knoxville, TN
20's
married
Rebecca @ 12:08 pm - God is SO great and SO good. He hears prayer. I am going to put you on my prayer list and pray you into that simulcast! Believe siesta!
When I don't feel like getting out of bed, I do and I go outside. There is nothing like looking up into a beautiful blue or gray cloudy sky and just knowing HE DID THAT!! And usually He sends a bird or a squirrel into view and I know He cares.
I loved reading all the Scriptures about power, strength and victory. I learned that "strength comes through struggle." Made me think of a butterfly coming out of the pupa stage -- struggling.
Interesting chapters on men's insecurities. I'm finally learning that men just don't get it. If we expect them to know how we feel, we have to spell it out for the.
Elaine
Missouri
married
60's
I'm a little behind on the reading, but I just wanted to encourage each and every woman posting in these discussions that you have no idea what kind of impact God is making through you! Yes, our Siesta Mama is anointed (Thank you Beth for being so faithful!), no doubt about that, but so are all of you! You have no idea the effect one post can have on someone! I was almost moved to tears by the Scripture post from awhile back. It was a glimpse of God's omnipotence residing in our clay vessels. PLEASE keep it up ladies, and see what God will do with you!
Stephanie
Abilene, TX
19
single
Hello Siesta's
Finally jumped in here at Ch. 10 & 11. I've been very consumed with other study, but my heart is still here. I read the book when it first came out and then was going to go back and read it slower with participation in mind but....
Anyway, jumping in. Really had to think about the gods/devils question and in all honesty, my tendency was definitely to view men as gods. It was my desire to have someone wise (probably in total truth all-knowing), able to lead, comfort, counsel and be more than I should have ever expected. Then because of my disappointing revelation of real life, for a short while they became devils to me. Sad. It's hard to be honest with myself about that, but I'm thankful for the confrontation.
Thanks for the eye-opening info. on men and their insecurities. And, yes I fully get the difference on how a man's insecurity manifests itself as opposed to how women act out their insecurities. Helps explain quite a bit. Now I need to ask the Lord for compassion in dealing with my reactions to these withdrawals, anger, "pride-punches".It's been a tough decade and my compassion has decreased to say the least.
A resounding omnipotence. ooooo I hate that in me. Surely if I just pointed out to him all his areas of improvement it would turn a light bulb on in his head and he would want to fix it, he would see it just as I did and out of conceding to a wife with great wisdom :( ashamed!!! YUCK He would CHANGE.
Well I am convicted and ashamed and more determined now to turn over to the Lord what is His job with my husband. He's so much better at it than me. We and our men are more alike than we let ourselves believe. And I am freed and happy to be free admitting that.
When I'm free and happy I love much better. Thanks to the indwelling Holy Spirit who convicts, gives wisdom and strength.
I've not yet started the book; have every intention of doing so. I am excited about attending the simulcast coming up at our wonderful church, Nappanee Missionary, in Nappanee, Indiana.
Instead, this is just a huge "THANK YOU" for your book, Believing God. I'm going back through that (yes, again), and this morning at Starbucks, the chapter on "Believing God When Routine Follows Revelation" just picked me up out of the dumps. You talked directly to this fledgling columnist who has big hopes and dreams and feels God's call on her life, but it's been week after grueling week of same-old, same-old, waiting for God to show up and reveal the next part of His exciting plan. He's boxing me in tighter and tighter by allowing my "day job" to get increasingly difficult. It would be easy some days to ditch the writing because that extra deadline means extra pressure, but He's not let me do that yet. I would love for Him to do something terribly dramatic and fantastic, delivering me out of my current trials and putting me in my Promised Land by - oh, say, tomorrow morning would be nice. (Laughing)
So that's exactly what I needed to hear. "Do it again. One more time. One more report. One more column." Meanwhile, I'll keep working, I'll keep writing, and I'll keep waiting for God to bring down the walls.
Thank you, sister.
Sister Lynn
Clyde MO
1. Devils... for a long time I was really into "women's lib" and men were the enemy. THANKS be to GOD that I found true liberty in Christ and my relationship with men is SO much better.
2. I think most men fear failure in things they DO. I don't sense they are as insecure about who they are as women are.
3. I am definitely hung up on the omniscience thing and it has gotten me in trouble. I so often want to be IN THE KNOW.... and then when I am I don't know how to handle in the information and it gets so messy. UGH.
But there is hope in Christ!
1. Historically, I've always seen men as gods. I don't put them on pedestals, but I do think good men deserve to be respected. I know my man is a very hard working man of God that would do anything for anyone and he treats me very well. I do realize that there are devils in this world, I guess I tend to avoid them.
2. After reading SLI, I'm recognizing that men definitely have insecurities, but they're able to hide them better than women. I've never been able to hide anything-including my feelings! That's not always a good thing, believe me.
3. I'm still working on this one. Trying to sort out feelings that I don't quite understand....
Bobbie
50's
married
College Station
Delmajesty
Texas
30's
Going through 2nd Divorce :(
I'll refrain from comments at this time as I am struggling.
Have not read a word of Chapters 10 and 11 yet, but I laughed out loud about the two divine attributes, especially omnipotence. For at LEAST 10 years my motto came from Helen Reddy: "If I have to, I can do anything!" Sometimes it was the only way I could put one foot in front of the other. Care to guess how much I thought God paid attention to me during those years? Whew, I'm glad that's over!
Theresa
50-something
Married
Alabama
1. I would have to say my tendency has been to view men as gods rather than devils. Both of my grandfathers were sweet, hard-working men and I didn't learn until later in life that one was an alcoholic and the other one liked women more than he should have. (That would be the devil in both of them.) My daddy, who is almost 80, always provided for his family. He was not the disciplinarian of the two parents but he loved us and took care of us. My husband, who is my high school sweetheart, is perhaps the most wonderful man in the whole world. He's Godly, he respects me and thinks I'm the most wonderful thing in the world, and he has been an outstanding father to our two children. My son took notice of this as he, too, is Godly and a good husband and father. I am so very thankful to have these men in my life.
2. Men, in my opinion, seem to be more insecure about being able to provide and take care of that in which others depend on them for. They seem to be very concerned about their responisibilities to others. Women, on the other hand, seem to have more insecurities about their inner selves.
Robin
married
40's
Texas
1. gods...definitely...I've always had the tendency to put the men in my life on pedestals...from my great grandfather, to my grandfather, to my dad, my big brother and now my hubby and son, I've just always had really great guys in my life (and for those blips on the radar screen that weren't so great, I had a hard time realizing they weren't so great at the time!)
2. Men's insecurities have to do more with how they provide for those they love and women's insecurities have to do more with how they connect with those they love.
3. omniscience...I like to think I'm in the loop and when I'm not, I want to be...like this blog thing...it's opened up a whole new world to me and now I want to learn about every single person on every single blog. It's fun, real and sincere, but I have to laugh at myself for being so interested in it all! I'm going to be a real nut in Heaven, running here, there, and everywhere wanting to meet and greet and get to know everyone!
1 & 2. Men (like children) can be cherubic one moment and diabolical the next--depending on their motivation at the time!
Tim LaHaye's book "Spirit Controlled Temperment" really helped me understand the way in which the different personality types express insecurity---from a male perspective. While a woman may be fussing over her attire, a guy would more likely be fuming over the fact that somebody just cut him off in traffic.
3. On the omni/omni question: since "knowledge is power," there is a tendency to think that more of it is better. Had to learn the hard way that not all knowledge is empowering, and the best prayer I can formulate in this regard is, "Lord, help me to see what I need to, know what YOU need for me to know, and trust the unknown to your sovereign love."
Bertie
50's
Married
Houston
My dear siesta sisters and beloved siesta mama:
I am relatively new to this blogging thing but I soooooo want to be doing this study with you. I am discovering that my insecurities are at the root of my lifelong struggle with perfectionism.
The dilemma: I am neck deep in Esther which has caused an uproar in my soul (lesson 5 nearly took me out). I am also in an intense Sunday school study on recovering a biblical world view based on John MacCarthur's book..extremely intense.
Now I love nothing more than to get my nerd on...especially in His Word. But I am concerned I might be trying to do too much.
Are any of you doing more than one study at once? Would you recommend I wait until one or both of them are done?
Thanks for listening dear siestas. Your guidance is appreciated.
Blessings
Casey
Fort Pierce, FL
1. Devils - From an absentee dad to some disappointments with the church, I've not always held men in high esteem. If you asked me this question without the context of this book, I would have said "neither," but now I realize when I meet a guy, I presume he's going to fail me before we've even exchanged words. Heal me, Lord! We've truly been broken in some deep down places.
2. At this point in my life, I've not been responsible to provide for anyone but myself, so I can't even comprehend how a man must feel in the struggle for validation in his identity. Props to men who are able to overcome that; I feel like they may not have as many venues as we women do to talk it out.
3.Omniscience. I need to be in the know (at least more so than the person sitting next to me).
1.I viewed them as devils for a long time, b/c I never felt affection from my father, and saw him treat my mother badly., then at 14 I was taken advantage of by my youth pastor, then jumped right into a relationship right after that, and married when I was 17, to someone who was physically & verbally abusive!
THEN, I got divorced after 13 yrs,
and met a man, who I viewed as a god!
Big Mistake! Even though he was a
good man, I was looking for love,
and protection & SECURITY in the
wrong place.
God showed me shortly after I married him that HE IS THE ONLY ONE
WHO COULD MAKE ME SECURE!!!
2. I don't see alot of differences in men's insecurities, because my husband has as many insecurities as I use to have, but I do see
a difference in the way they handle them. Most men will not speak about them & pretend they don't have any.
3. Omniscience- My first husband ran around on me & did drugs, so I
snooped & searched to know things.
I stopped playing God when my 21 yr old daughter turned 15 & went down a desctructive road. In & out of court rooms, and things that I couldn't control, brought me to my
knees,or I guess I should say, Down
on my face, flat on the floor, before the Lord! I learned that He
is the Ancient of Days & He alone sits on the throne!!I gave up my rights, No more playing God for me.
I'm much better letting God be God!!!
Lisa
40's
Peachtree City, Ga
married
1.Neither, really. I enjoy letting my husband be my protector and handle the physically hard things for me, but this does not put him in charge of my security. I will admit that if my husband of 36 years were no longer with me, I would feel very insecure in social situations because that's one of my basic insecurities, and having him to go places with helps me, but I don't think this makes him a god. I was also sexually abused as a child, but I don't think I ever really translated this into disliking all men. I always felt it was not my fault, I just had a dirty old man for a step father; an isolated incident and I did not expect other men to behave like he did.
2.Maybe men have more insecurities about their bodies, since an inferior body challenges their manhood, and women do not have that to deal with. Men also feel more of an obligation to provide for the family financially.
3.I am definitely omnipotent - I like to have my way/be in control. I am not usually omniscient, but I do remember years ago reading my daughter's journal often when I was worried about whether she was sleeping with boyfriends.
50's
texas
married
First of all, this book has rocked my world (in a good way). I'm very secure in the way I look and who I am by an amazing work of Jesus in my life. Seriously. I used to be a mess. But this book has opened my eyes to see that there is a lot of work left to be done! It showed me areas I was insecure in I didn't even know existed. Recommending the book to all my friends! Now to answer the questions.
1. Gods. Arggh. I always see them as someone who is stronger than I am and "more together". As if they don't have issues like me.
2. Women's seem to be about how they look. Men's seem to be about fears of failure and not measuring up.
3. Omniscience. Yep. That's me. When you talked about being informed and keeping up with what's going on in the world. That's me. And sometimes I can go way overboard and it rattles my security. And I have to detox and spend time with God just to see straight.
Single (And trying to be secure about that;))
30's
Do you want to hear something interesting? I work in a Pediatric ICU and one of our ICU Dr's who is quite brilliant, saves lives on a regular basis,& has everything in the world going for him. He usually stays in the unit at night and chats and has fun w/ the staff. I would have never thought in a million years that he was insecure about anything. But one night he came in and said he was going to hide in his call room because his pants and shirt didn't match. He was serious! We barely saw him all night..I find that really interesting in this journey of tackling insecurity.
Liz
31
Atlanta Ga.
married
1) I tend to view men as gods. A compliment or a put down from a man makes a bigger impact on me then if a woman said it. I give them too much control over my moods and my feelings about myself.
2)Men hide insecurities much better than women! All the men in my life have an answer for everything. I've just recently come to the realization that they are making some things up.( I know I'm slow!) I've decided that they feel they must have an answer or they will lose face. Women don't seem to have a problem saying "I don't know."
3) Omnipotence resonated with me. I have experienced wanting to control others and others wanting me to control them. My husband recently told me that I needed to help him lose weight. He wanted me to make him get out of bed at 6:00 am, make him exercise for an hour, and then make him eat right. Well, his request was a dream come true for me. I love fixing all problems, and the only way a problem is going to be fixed is if I have control over it! Each morning I tried to drag him out of bed.( unsuccessfully I might add) I tried to get him excited about my pilates video.( Yea, that didn't work either) And I gave many lectures about healthy eating, which normally resulted in him eating a couple of Little Debbies. Needless to say I have found out that: we cannot control other people, even when they give you the control!
Jennifer
30's
Married
Mpls MN
1) I tend to see certain men in my own as gods more then devils. Like my Dad He is a truly wonderful man and I have been very blessed to have him as a father. He has always made me feel loved and special. However, my wonderful Husband is different, He is a great guy, but shows his affection differently than my dad. I know that it is because his father was not very affectionate towards his mom, so he never had a great role model for showing it.
Other guys that I meet however fall into neither category for me they kind of just are there.
2) Just from my own experience with my husband, there are somethings he is very insecure about, though if you were to ask him, he would outright deny that he had any, but you can tell when you've touched on them. It seems that with guys it's all about their sense of manliness and it seems that it can be different depending on how each guy defines their own manliness. Where women it seems to be where we stand with others or how we stack up to other. she's prettier, thinner, ect.
3) for me the one that rang most true is the all powerful. I had to laugh a little when I read the part about not really wanting to control but feel that you have to. It's so true. I would rather not be so in control but I feel that I have to be sometimes. Not that It won;t get done right so much is that it just won't get done at all. It was what I learned about my husband though some experiences we've had together, when he was supposed to do something important and I never got done. I am getting better at letting go off things with a little or rather a lot of help from God.
Roll Call
Clare
Victor, Montana
50's
Married
1) I tend to view men as gods. They have always been the ones that I put my hope in (apart from God) and who I think will give me everything I need. I have always kind of revered them and longed for them.
2) What you said about me having to prove their manhood really made sense to me. I agree that women don't really go around tryin to prove they are a woman. I think they are the same in that they both want to have good sexual technique and feel confident in that area. I think they both want to feel loved and needed on some level. I think a difference is that men want respect and women want to feel cherished.
Married
30's
Memphis TN
I used to think of men as gods ... but the more that I'm around different me, the more I think of them as devils. Especially my husband. Isn't that terrible?
Joyce Watson_
Inside my heart
is still a little girl
Who likes to hope, to dream
and enjoy life everyday
Who needs for others to encourage her and sometimes even pray.
Inside my heart
is still a little girl
Who cries, who hurts
and sometimes feels life's pain
Who seeks God's mending love
more than anyone or anything.
Inside my heart
is still a little girl
Who has grown in God's care
And whose spirit feels at peace
Knowing God's love is always there.
Inside my heart
is still a little girl
Who laughs and like to play
And share the good times and bad
And wants to share God's love to others each day.~joyce
1. I think I've thought of men as gods. I see them as authority figures on whom I depend for approval. That's an interesting thought, and I will gnaw on that for awhile.
2. I agree with you that basically women know in their core from babyhood they are female. In the book it came across to me that men have to achieve "manhood" by recognition of other males that they respect. All siestas have a diva gene in their DNA, but apparently being a man is a title conferred by achievement. Bless their hearts, they are as big a mess as we are, but there are a whole lot of them who can't verbalize that.
3. Ooooh, oooh, oooh, omnipotence--I want to be in control. I spent 30 years as a teacher. I had to be in control. I am kind of over that now in most respects because I found out fairly early people can't be controlled from my own children. It felt like I had given birth to aliens because they didn't see things my way or do what I wanted to them to do. How can you carry these creatures around for 9 months, go through labor and childbirth, and then they have the nerve not to see things your way.
And Casey, I am doing Esther right now, too. It works together really well. I just finished Beth's book on David today, too. Again, it has played into this book so well. I think I will wait to do the next study, tho. Getting your nerd on with Bible study. LOL!! What a great way to say it.
My husband is so awesome. He is so encouraging through all this, and I loved learning something that will help me be more of a help to him.
Lahna
60's, married,
TX
Brittney
Pflugerville, TX
20s
Married
1. I think (actually I KNOW!) I view men as gods... especially my husband. When I'm down, I feel like I look to him too much to "pick" me up. Like he holds the key to my happiness! I've done this in a lot of relationships. Like you said Beth, I need to look UP instead of OUT :)
2. I don't know, it's close. Both have insecurities about looks. But, it seems to me that women's insecurities seem to be about themselves and on the inside, while men seem to have outside insecurities. Does that make ANY sense at all? haha! Like, men feel they need to DO for their family, where as a woman may feel they need to BE for their family.
3. Most definitely omnipotence. I am one for CONTROL. I feel like if I don't do it, it won't get done. Or even better... if it's not going my way, I have to find a way to make that happen.
**
I have to say Beth. I've had a HARD couple of weeks. I am completely loving this journey and I'm trying to soak every moment of it up. But I have to share a story with you Beth. You see... one of my good friends is marrying my ex. Now, this isn't a big deal. Sort of. But it is to her. This past May, my husband and I got married, this friend was a bridesmaid and a few months before the wedding revealed to me that she was dating the ex. I was really happy for her but at the same time weird-ed out... am I wrong in this? To feel weird? She asked if he could come to the wedding as her guest. I have not seen him since the break up (but it was a big one) and well, I told her that it would be awkward to see him for the first time since the "break up". Especially for the first tim at my wedding. Ya know? Well, anyways... this friend just got engaged to the said ex and I sent her a congratulations that went something like this "hey __ I'm so excited for you and __! congratulations on the engagement! have a great week!" Miss Beth, my friend and I got coffee this week and she said she was "confused" by me. I explained my feelings through and through... she said she doesn't know why he couldn't come to the wedding if I was happy for them. It kind of upsets me... but maybe I went a little overboard and being ok with it. I think I made a fool of myself?!
Oh my goodness, these chapters have been sooo eye opening, and mind blowing - How did you see me?
Thank you Beth, I really did have some digging to do, and some good thinking to do, and some confessing to do!
1) men have been both gods and devils. My dad was so over aggresive that I walked as small as I could. I also was raped at the age of 18. I both feared men and felt under their thumb.They held all the power.
Thankfully God has been working with me through the years to a more healthy view of them and myself. He did not leave me in my prision, I have been walking free and becoming the woman I love.
2) Men can use anger to control both themselves and others. Insecurities isn't something they admit to, even to themselves.
3)I have fallen completely under the omnipotence and you which you have said about your husband, I have tried with mine. Thankfully he hasn't gone along with it.
I was most impressed with the message of omniscience. I totally wanted all the dirt, from my husband's previous relationships with the women he had dated. I too got some dirt that I now wish I never asked for. I am taking this dirt to Him and asking for His healing in the images I placed on the information gain. I did not know that this error had a name and I am so thankful to get a handle on something I just didn't know what to do with.
Did I mention I am thankful!
Beth you have done me a great favour letting me know how to live a better, holier life, and I thank God He works in you, to bring to me.
Diana
married
44
BC Canada
Oops, I realized a mistake in the first comment I posted. Francesca Batistelli sings "Free to be Me" not Brit Nicole(you all probably knew that already, but it was bugging me). Sorry.
3. The part about omniscience resignated with me. There are several situations that I've been dealing with and God has told me "part of the story". I keep wanting to know more, but I've come to realize that God is protecting me. (He knows what I can handle and how much I can handle at one time.) I've never thought about the "knowledge of good and evil" being an example of omniscience. I am now praying to have divine revelation instead of "the whole story".
Patti, Kissimmee, FL 40's married
I just started my reading tonight, and I just could not help but tell you that I am pained to my very core about your experience at the orthopedic. However, I am also pained to my core from laughing about it! I just couldn't go to bed without sympathizing with you. Thank you for sharing your crazy moments with us! Oh, and I got a great book in the mail today for my birthday. I just haven't decided how I'm going to tell my cousin that I'm already on Chapter 10 of it! Only someone who really loves you can give you a book called "So Long Insecurity" for your birthday!
Tamara
Kelowna, BC, Canada
late 20s
single
1)I tend to see men more as gods. I've had too many female friendships that ended with me feeling rejected and so I've always turned to men to be my friends because I don't trust other women easily.
2) I've noticed (from personal experience) that men often seem to be insecure about their ability to provide financially for a woman - especially when she's already finished a degree and started a career. Whereas, myself and some of my friends are more insecure about how our education/careers have put up a wall between us and other men - we sometimes are insecure about our education and the career it has allowed us to have. (A career that all of us would put second to a family of our own if we had one.)
I've also noticed that when insecure about something in a friendship men tend to withdraw more, while women tend to try to cover it up with lots of talking and busyness and many people.
3) Omniscience definitely resonated with me. I feel like something is being hidden from me on purpose when I see two people I know having a conversation about something. I want to know what they're talking about and I will try to figure it out. To justify getting that information I will tell myself that I need to know if it was something bad about me.
Dear Anonymous Rebecca- March 18, 2010 12:08 PM
Rebuke the enemy, in the name of Jesus! God loves you, & has a special purpose for you!
Keep repeating a verse that resonates (maybe 1 from the March 6, 2010 post). Keep replacing it with the thought that 'there isn't anything worth getting out of bed for'.
In one of Beth's books (maybe "Get out of that Pit") she mentions how she put the Bible - open to the verse that applied - over her head - slept with it that way, to use God's power to overcome the stronghold she was dealing with. (Someone correct me if I am wrong)
Praying that you will KNOW Him, His healing power over your past & HIS reason that you should get out of bed. :)
www.biblegateway.com is a great way to search for words, topics or scripture references.
With love, Barb, 50s, Married
(I will post my comments later)
Asking for prayers! The fill in the blank prayer chapter halted me. I feel as if I will sink before I win this battle. Praying I can overcome and maybe God will bless me with a friend to talk this stuff out with in the meantime.
Blessings, ladies!
Ok, girls... I'm officially on Spring Break and can actually take the time to read the comments and make comments about SLI. (I've added 7 new violin students in the past month, and it is eating my time up big time!) Anyhow, I hope you'll forgive my absence from the previous conversations, and for coming along late. I will try to catch up. I've been reading all of the chapters, just haven't had time to read your comments or to answer discussion questions. Thanks!
I'm admittedly behind but this has been such a blessing to me. I feel led to share a part of my journey over the past few weeks and ask you sweet sisters for prayer. I'll try to make it short. In a nutshell, my husband had cancer 10 years ago (when I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter). Praise the Lord he is fully healed but because of the nature of his cancer we are reproductively challenged :) and this has become a huge journey for us. Naomi (daughter number 3) was born 4 years ago by in-vitro and God has led us to follow this path again. I'm sharing this with you all because I've realized what a big part it has played in some of my own insecurities and the timing of this book has been simply amazing.
Basically, I had the first of two in-vitro procedures on Wednesday to retrieve the egg. This was the first little miracle in that there was only one egg and she was able to get it. We've spent the last 48 agonizing hours waiting to hear if it fertilized or not- I was supposed to go back this morning to have it put back in. I just got off the phone with my doctor and basically it did fertilized but the little embryo is dividing slowly so she wants to wait until tomorrow to put it back in.
(in her words, “I don’t’ want to transfer a dead embryo”). I am supposed to go in at 8 tomorrow morning (Saturday)for the embryo to be transferred. (we are in Beirut Lebanon so 8 hours ahead of central time) Unfortunately, I broke one of my cardinal rules which is that I typically don’t look at the internet about medical things as I know me too well. I know this whole process is not about medical chances but about our Creator and His perfect will and timing. Unfortunately, I also now know that a “slowly dividing embryo” is not such a good thing when it comes to IVF. I would be lying to you if I told you that I am ok- I am an emotional wreck. Thankfully I am an emotional wreck loved by God and He is holding me together. This whole fertility journey over the last 6 years or so has been one of the most challenging, most frustrating, most joyful things I have ever experienced, but in no other time or experience of my life have I ever felt God’s comfort and love or heard His very specific voice more clearly. There have been times when my heart has just cried out to please just take away this desire for more kids, I am already so beyond blessed with my three beautiful girls, however there is no doubt in my mind that this desire is from God and that we are following His very specific plan. Please pray for this sweet little one that is taking it’s time to divide. Pray God’s special control and blessing over his or her development. Pray that my stomach will calm down so I can eat today. Pray for anything else you think of and feel free to ask others to pray. I love you all. Thanks for letting me be transparent (not that you had a choice…)
Oh- sorry, I forgot
Kelli
married
30's
I have always tended to look at the men in my life as gods. I expected them to fulfill me, encourage me, and be perfect in every area of their lives. I didn't expect this of every man on the planet, but I DID expect it of those to whom I was emotionally invested. I wanted to believe that these men who held my trust were worthy of it. I was afraid that if they failed in one area, somehow they would fail in every area and I would be left alone. I preferred the illusion of perfection (idolatry) to the confrontation of reality (that the men in my life are just as messed up as I am).
For many men I think their insecurities are tied to their "performance" (whether that be at work, at home, etc.) I know for my husband, some of the darkest times of his life were when he felt like other people saw him as a failure. We spent many evenings talking about it. I couldn't understand why he was so concerned about what other people thought of him (After all, I loved him, what more could he want?) I expected him to be satisfied by what I was looking for - affirmation from those closest to me.
As a woman, I feel like my insecurities are tied to my own intrinsic "worth/value" as perceived by those closest to me. Honestly, what the woman across the street thinks of me is not near as important as what my husband thinks.
Beth, I’m pretty sure God put the words of chapter 11 in there just for my stubborn ears to hear. I’m so thankful that you were obedient to His leading, because I so desperately needed to hear this. I never realized I was trying to be God, and I so totally was. A few years ago I was convinced that my husband was keeping something from me and so I snooped until I found what I was looking for. It just about destroyed me. Do you want to know how stupid I am? I kept it. It even has its own folder in my e-mail inbox. I labeled it “Pain.” I have held onto that stupid letter for two years now. I have kept it just in case I needed to be reminded of the hurtful things that were said (as if those words weren’t seared onto my heart). I so regret eating from the tree of the “knowledge of good and evil.” I knew I wasn’t supposed to do it, but I wanted my fears and insecurities to be validated. It has done me no good. Part of me did “die” when I read it and my heart still aches if I allow myself to dwell on it. I am not my husband’s Holy Spirit. It’s not my place to convict or condemn. God is more than capable of doing that without my help, and heaven knows He does a much better job. During my whole “ordeal” God continually asked me “Do you trust me?” I am learning that I need to trust my husband to Him as well.
Sarah
married
20s
Kind of at a stand still...I guess I had to have another go-around of expressing insecurity and making a toltal fool of myself in order to "get it". Seeing that up close look at it and recognizing it for what it is (insecurity I'm praying will bring healing and security for good.
Thanks for the ministry you have to me and other women.
You were completely in the right for not wanting your ex at your wedding and your friend was completely in the wrong for asking. She was being totally selfish and was focusing on her own insecurity and wanted to sacrifice you on your special day to get what she wanted. There is no greater pressure in your 20's then making the wedding rounds of all your friends and not being able to show everyone your "special" guy. Your friend just didn't want to go to your wedding alone and have everyone think she couldn't get a date.
I am divorced and my ex and I got along very well but when he showed up with his future wife for the first time at my son's Christmas program, I thought I was going to faint. I promise you, if you had allowed him to come, it would have ruined your day and all of your wedding memories would have been tied to him.
Your friend is confused because she didn't get what she wanted. I am glad you said you were happy for them but there is a difference between being happy for them and wanting to bring him back into your life. You don't owe her any further explanation. One day you may decide it won't matter to be around them both but you are entitled to do that on your own terms and in your own time. End of story.
It is your friend who has made a fool of herself, not you. Hold your head high and enjoy your new man!
Leanne
20's
Married
Mississippi
1)I tend to view men as gods. I was raised by my dad and he was/is my hero. Then I am married to my best friend and hero. Of course I do know a few men that seem like devils but overall I have always viewed men as gods. They are the protectors and heads of households.
2)I think in everyday life men and women both deal with insecurities about their outside appearances and finances. I think men deal more with insecurities over power and women deal more with insecurities with other women and comparing each other.
3)I can see how I try to change my husband by nagging but in my mind I think I am encouraging him. Also I have tried to see what only God can see about things. That spoke to me SO much. I now realize how knowing details of the past will only hurt my marriage and not help it. I don't need to know what only God knows.
Beth and all~
1. I had a great daddy, a godly man who was real. He made mistakes but he turned his focus on God in those times. So I guess, most men in my life were godly men and I tend to view them more in the "godly" sense. I know I did with my husband also. So maybe I see how I am more critical on him during those weak times.
2. This was interesting to see how insecure men really are. I am most profoundly affected in the role I can play in this with my own husband. I too think I can "help" him by buying books and Cd's like you did Beth. My words and my affection speaks louder than those things.
3. What hit me most with this section is my need to control, especially my girls. This was very eye opening. I have had to come to terms with this unspoken control issue I was awaken to. My goal is to turn my girls, my frustrations in marriage, over to God's control. Where it should be. Seriously, how much happier will I be if I am not in control? Grief, I have some work ahead of me.
Leaving today to take our youth on a spring break retreat (to Arkansas no doubt!!). I wish I had more time to post. Pray God will show himself in a mighty way-some of the kids don't know Him. thanks!!
Believing Him~Pamela
Missouri
46, married, blended family
Tori
Married, 20s
GA
First, I would just like to say that I don't watch much TV (well, since I have had my now-6-month-old)but I love TLC's What Not to Wear. Those women- I feel I have a connection to now (having survived, overcome my insecurities (though still working on)...every time I watch I see and feel them hurting and I just come to tears and want to fly to where they are, give them a huge hug and a copy of this book! It has helped me so much, God has collected my broken pieces up out of the mud, washed them off and put them back together and I want so badly for every woman to have what I have...to see Him as I see Him and I can never thank you Mama Beth for opening my eyes to Him as you have done and now allowing Him to work through me!
1. My view has been mostly that men are gods... which is hard to believe since I was basically raised hearing the opposite. Not that seeing them as gods is necessarily a wonderful thing but...nonetheless...
2. I never really thought that men had insecurities until I read "For Women Only" By Shaunti Feldhahn... it was a great eye-opener to some of the insecurities men have and how what we say and do can have an impact on them and why they do some of the things they do. But, I still had no idea that my insecurities weighed so much on my husband until I read the comments made by the men in the study! And, the SAD, embarrassing part, is that for the most part, their comments were true! I see on a daily basis that most of my insecurities (well the OLD part of me!) were brought up by others... other women who were "prettier" "better" etc. The biggest light-bulb moment I had was when you said that our math is messed up! Just because she is pretty does NOT mean that I am not pretty or any less pretty! Just because she got a raise or a promotion, does not mean that I am any less deserving, it is just how God worked things out right now and it is all in His timing! It took a lot of praying and God working in me for me to (a) realize that (b) accept that (c)believe that! I explained this to my husband and he was blown away! He was like "WOW, I love Beth Moore for showing/ teaching you that! I wish every every woman would realize that or that their man could tell them that without getting in trouble!" I said, "Yes, she and God are amazing!" I see my husband's insecurities more related to not being able to provide for our family as he sees fit or more self-inflicted insecurities instead of comparisons like mine (does that make sense)?
3. All I really have to say about omnipotence and omniscience is the whole part where you describe you and Keith and getting him the vitamins (untouched), CDs (still in the wrapper), shoving him to his happy place, cherry limeaids (which my hubs and I cherish!) just made me laugh hysterically out loud, mark the page with a million exclamation points and get my husband to read it... it is exactly us!!! It is like you wrote a biography of my husband and I!
I cannot exactly remember where in the book that was, I have finished my journey and passed the book along to a friend but there was something about tying our emotions to our husbands and their moods (maybe in treating them as gods?)... I am infamous for doing this. If he is in a bad mood, it puts me in a bad mood. I don't know why. If he needs a pity party, there is no reason that I have to be invited!
Missy, 36
Married
Tennessee
1. These were interesting chapters, it's a bit fun to have 'inside knowledge' about men.
For most of my life, men have been gods. Especially my own father and then husband. As I grew up, I realized my dad had flaws, but he seemed nearly perfect to me - he was a pastor and I saw him at the pulpit and in our home...there was consistency, authentic faith, fun, motives as pure as can be, even when failing.
I thought the same was true of my husband and lived to serve him. I thought that having a man like my dad would promise the home-life I had growing up and so I tried to do everything my husband wanted or asked to please him. It was never enough and I wore myself out trying to cook, clean, pump him up, look perfect, etc. He was verbally abusive, manipulative, selfish, and eventually involved with other women. I was never going to measure up to his ever changing desires. From this break, I began to see men as devils - none were pure, always hiding their true intentions, always selfish, etc. I've had to replace that lie with truth I've seen and experienced from Godly men (like my father) that yes, real men, Godly men do exist. There are men who can be trusted.
There was a time when I let my husband's mood define me. I allowed his skew of spirituality to determine how I would worship. I had placed my husband as a god and sought to please him more than the One True God. I am sorry to say I have lied, hurt people and failed to stand for truth because I was more interested in pleasing my man and keeping the peace.
2. I see men's insecurities when they get sarcastic. When they act over-confident or prideful and seek to dominate rather than connect. Yes, I totally related to the concept of men withdrawing and women clinging.
3. I have experience in desiring both omnipotence and omnicience. Obviously, if he would do things the "right" way (ie: my way) it would all be so much better! I've learning A LOT about my inability to control and have had to really release this...and it is an ongoing thing to re-learn and process.
Most of all, I have struggled with desiring omniscience. Since discovering first pornography, then another woman, and yet ANOTHER woman...I have become fixated on knowing the truth - the WHOLE truth. Each time I have been told, "That's all," and each time there has been more. Through counseling, I'm trying to trust and learn that God will reveal what I need to know - and He has - but it is so hard to not become a crazy spy, stalker in my quest to know truth. My own pride does not want to be made a fool in this way ever again.
So yes, do I struggle - absolutely. And I'm learning, releasing these to Christ.
Gods for sure. This totally made sense to me and I have noticed it in so many of my relationships. I also definitely struggle with the wanting/having to know everything. And then finding out stuff I shouldn't and not being able to handle it. I used to read my husbands email all the time while he was a pastor and he didn't want me doing it. I learned my lesson when I read something that I just couldn't handle and deal with. It was not something I should have known. I still really struggle with wanting to manage and know everything about my husbands life. I also struggle with wanting older father like figures in my life. I look to guys on staff at our church like they are Gods and desire them to take care of us. I need to look to my heavenly Father for this and only him.
To my husband:
I'm vowing to work on giving you less control over me. You are not God, and I have treated you that way for TOO long. Some of that is due to how I think about you, but some of it is also due to how you expect me to behave towards you. So you will probably like some of the changes, and not others. But I hope (if I can do this) the outcome will please you.
So . . .
1. You are not in control of my emotions. I don't have to feel the way you think I should or be unhappy just because you are upset with me. I don't have to like the people you like, or dislike the people you like. I don't have to appologize for being sad, or being tired, or having for having emotions in the first place. Because emotions are NOT caused by PMS, they are part of who I am.
2. You are not in control of my value. Your oppinion of me is just an oppinion. It is not who I am. Being over weight is not a sin. Thinking and acting like a woman is not a weakness. Growing old is inevitable- for me AND you.
3. I will not accept responsibility for things outside of my control. It is not my fault if the computer is slow, if the kids are getting on your nerves, or if you misplaced something. And while it is my duty (and pleasure) to satisfy you sexually, it is not my fault if you lust after someone else.
If I'm not enough for you, that's your problem, because I can only be what I am. I can be a better me, but I will still always be ME and I will never be any more than that.
Love, your insecure woman
Durant, Ok
40's
Married
.
hmmm, I guess if I have to choose one, I would say "gods". I don't like to think that I would ever view them as either, but it's probably actually a little of both.
2.
I think men's insecurities are usually based on how they are providing for their family. which would be how they are doing as a husband and dad.
I think women's insecurities are usually based on how insecure we feel in our looks and also on how we feel we are doing as wife and mom.
I re-read the chapter, and realized that men have insecurities about their looks, too, of course I did know that!
Both genders can have insecurities related to jobs, and both genders can also feel insecure if we do not feel loved and appreciated. Actually, after re-reading the chapter, it seems that both genders have insecurities about most of the same things. Maybe, for some reason, we let ours cripple us more. (?)
3.
I have never thought I was a controlling mom or wife, but sometimes I want to know everything that is going on in their lives and sometimes I wish I could fix things for them or keep them from getting hurt.
Please pray for me as I begin leading this study next Wednesday night.
I'll just apologize right up front that this is my first comment on the book. I've been reading right along with you though!
First of all, I have just been baffled by something and have to share. When I went to the book store to pick up my copy, there was not a shred of insecurity lingering over me as I picked it up off the shelf. In fact, I was so tickled to get it that I promptly marched on up to the counter and had a delightful conversation with the clerk about how much we both love you and all your work! Rather loudly, I told her about this group and wasn't the least bit insecure in doing so! It never occurred to me until I started reading on this blog that that alone would cause insecurity for some!
Yesterday, however, I took your book along to read while my daughter got braces put on her teeth, and I found myself almost slyly reading it and not wanting anyone to see what I was reading. I finally came to the conclusion that this insecurity thing is weird, and this situation so vividly described my life and my insecurities. When I'm in a comfortable setting (Christian bookstore, my own home, around other same-size or larger people than me, my office, my church), I'm much more secure in who I am and don't even think about the possibility of being insecure! But put me in a public setting, with people who are tiny, or people who may not think like me or believe like me, then all the insecurities come rising to the surface.
In answer to your questions on chapter 10 ...
1. Personally I've always had a healthy view of men, but I've been blessed to have a wonderful father and a pure start to my marriage 25 years ago. There are a handful of vivid memories from my childhood where boys could have easily taken advantage of me, but praise the Lord, they are just that -- memories -- and nothing that resulted in a bitterness towards men in general. God's blessed me with an appreciation for submissiveness because I've seen it modeled in my life and have found freedom in submitting to God and my husband and their authority over me. It may not always be easy to let go of something, but when done with the right heart, it is freeing!
2. I totally agreed with your assessment on men's vs. women's insecurities! Men may appear to have it all together and not deal with insecurity as much, but it's just not true. Life has had a way of really shaking up the men in my life for the last little while, and I have found myself interceding on their behalf and just pleading with God to give them affirmation and additional strength in their low times. They are just as human and vulnerable as we women are.
The doctor's waiting room didn't seem like a very good place for chapter 9, so I'm going back to it now -- here at home, quiet and private and with a cup of coffee. Can't wait!
Jacki
Hi Beth and everyone,
Ok, here we go......*gulp*
1. gods or devils? Can I say, BOTH? Some men are one, some are the other - but the point is that I tend to see them in the extreme, and not as they really are...human beings who struggle like we do.
2. The quote from page 181, "I want most to be loved even if I am wrong or fail. I fear unforgiveness." rang through my head and heart! I completely feel that way and honestly, I asked my husband if he wrote that! That is so US!(He said it wasn't him but it got a really interesting conversation going...)After reading this chapter, I began to understand that men and women really do struggle with alot of the same things, although they get processed a little differently.
3. Chapter 11 was a rough one for me. Here's what resonated with me: The "devil in a blue dress" comment hit me broadside. Never heard it put so pointedly before. And if I had, I certainly wasn't healthy enough to receive it. I, too, was abused when I was young. (Praise the Lord, this is a safe environment to share these things! But it breaks my heart to know that so many of us went through this....)
To be truthful here, I grew up to be somewhat of a monster. I won't really go into it, but suffice it to say that I was dangerous not only to myself but to others around me. Men became the enemy. And men became the "god". (thus the "men are gods AND devils" perception).
And now you know why my blog name is "Redeemed". Jesus bought me out of a slavery that would have ultimately destroyed me and those I love. That "blue dress" doesn't fit anymore...hasn't for a long long time. Jesus took that old rag and gave me a new "wardrobe"! As you so lovingly taught and reminded us, I wear strength and DIGNITY.
Jesus slayed the monster, and He is my Knight in Shining Armor. He is the Hero. He is the God. Men are just brothers in the fight.
Becky
Owasso OK
married
40's
Rene
40’s
Claremore OK
Married
First I wanted to thank NICCITSE for recognizing my suggestion to write out the prayer from last week. It Tickled Me Pink (love your posts as well) to see my name on here outside my own post!
Men are gods to me thanks to my mom (who can probably thank her mom). We completely catered to my father. We were Catholic so I am pretty sure that is mixed up somewhere in there as well. Beth said on page 199 “Remember, we don’t have to love something for it to be a god to us. All we have to do is DEVOTE OUR MOST VALUABLE MENTAL ATTENTIONS TO IT.” (Caps Mine) Those two sentences fit in well with my promiscuous teenage years and my two marriages.
My husband is an alcoholic and he’ll be happy to tell you that he is. When I met him almost 15 years ago I just knew I could fix him. With my guy however, it wasn’t Sonic cups on top of pamphlets or tracks I brought to him but beer cans. I completely identified being omnipotent. Like pg. 199 said – I devoted all my mental attention to him and his alcoholism. Stormie Omartian helped me through this with her book about praying for your man. It’s hard to hate someone when you are praying for them and oh how I hated him. It got me OFF focusing on his addiction and just letting go and letting God. He’s still an alcoholic and maybe always will be – it’s not my deal anymore – Praise GOD!!
Before I shut up though I have to tell you, Beth, that the two statements on pgs. 213 & 214 were HUGE to me. “..the helper is the one doing all the work. Simultaneously, the one being helped lazily lapses into the mentality of a victim of his or her own weakness and all the while gets to be the center of a strong person’s attentions. What a deal” and “there is something about unhappiness that is working for them. It could be the attention they’re getting or the excuses they’re milking. Some won’t do what it takes to liberate themselves because their particular form of bondage provides a momentary respite from real life.” I am so grateful to my Lord and Savior that it’s not me in his shoes. I am glad I am the strong one – all because of Jesus, not of my own doing.
I've been thinking about Question #2 and this morning it hit me. Men fear not being respected and women fear not being loved. I think a lot of our insecurity differences come down to these two different needs.
Sarah
20s
married
The more I read this wonderful book, the more I have come face to face with my past. It's been scary to come to terms with what happened to me and only a few people know (not any details, just that I was abused.) I give God praise and the glory for helping me understand why I have acted out the way I have. That in order for me to heal and to except the blessings God has given to me I have to take back what He has already given me. My dignity, my strength, my security, they are mine.
I guess I have thought of men as both gods and devils. I couldn't live without one, then I couldn't stand the one I was with. They were all users and abusers. I have even thought that of my husband. He is the most understanding patient man to be sure. I know he feels like he lives with a crazy woman at times. Ha Ha!
I am believing in God and with the help of this study that I will heal and become what the Lord has made me to be. I can't wait, it's going to be an amazing journey!!!
Bravo to Anonymous today at 9:15 am. You put into exact verbage what I have been trying to think for the past couple years! Thank you so much! Praise God for this blog - you all are saying so much that helps!!
I have been thinking and re-thinking the whole thing about
viewing men as gods or devils!
I posted yesterday & since then I
couldn't stop thinking about this.I
have just been crying, and knowing how my insecurities made SUCH A FOOL OF ME!
I was a victim of abuse ,at age 14 by my youth pastor, I was thinking now that seeing him as a god is exactly what brought me to that place. I was SO insecure and felt
so unloved by my dad, that I was
a walking target for anyone who would show me affection. Then it happened: The man who I viewed as
a god , a man who I trusted and looked up to more than anyone else I knew, came running to this secure
girls aide. And not in a good way.
My heart aches still! Why wasn't I
strong enough to RUN! This man had
a wife & two children. The one who was teaching me about God was being
my god!When all this was exposed and had come to an end, it was life as usual in my home. None of it was never dealt with or talked about.This was late 70's and most
people didn't seek counseling.I don't know why! My parents just
bought me a puppy & I guess they thought that would make everything safe & secure for me.
I'm thankful to God making me safe and secure after a long road
of insecure choices!I'm Celebrating
11 years of being free from the
insecurities that caused me to
seek my security in men.
I am now safe and secure in the arms of my FIRST LOVE! My one true love, JESUS!
Thinking about these issues just
made me go back a bit and ponder. Felt some pain, but in a
good way. Knowing where I've been & what God's delivered me from makes me run, even faster now to
My Lord, My Deliverer, any time I
have a trigger of insecurity.
Thank you Beth for your transparency & for encouraging us
to do the same, so we can put it all out before our Father & deal
with it with HIS TRUTHS!!
I've been reading and following all along, just haven't been able to post my comments the last couple of weeks.To fill in that gap, I just want to say that the word by word break down of Prov.31:25 in Chapter 8 was by far the most enlightening thing for me. WOW.
1. I tend to view men as gods - worthy of all my attention and service.
2. Men seem insecure in what they do, women seem insure in who they are.
3. I used to want to know it all; it took many ugly revelations before I realized that the junk I was adding to my baggage wasn't even mine to carry.
Seems to me there are way more of us that are insecure then those of us that are totally secure. With that...to own security and have it show in public -- it is often misunderstood by the majority out there who don't have it. I mean, if I don't feel the need to act on something striving for that omnipotence or omnisience to gain a percevied security in a situation, my insecure friends and family think I don't care enough - because if I did I would be trying to do something about it!! Does that make sense? It's kind of like the peace of God that transcends all understanding (Phil. 4:4-9). When you have it, you don't get anxious about things, but then when you don't get anxious, people who don't have that transcending peace wonder what in the world is wrong with you that you aren't worried about the situation.
Or am I being insecure about that too?!!
Nancy / 40s / married / SC
Kristi
Rogersville, TN
30s
married
1. For the biggest part I've viewed me as devils, especially growing up. It seems like every time I think of a time I viewed a man as a god his true colors came out and showed just the opposite. Most all men in my childhood were abusive to someone I loved. The ones I gave my love and trust to really let me down. This made me spend most of my life thinking there wasn't 10 good men on the entire face of the earth. I am however working on trying to view them as neither. This goes up and down for me.
2.I think men and women insecurities are very similar. I feel the main difference in how we deal with them. I do think that when men use the don't mess with me, it only adds to women's insecurities of what's going on.
3. omnipotent - I have in my head if I could just make my husband get his life right with God we would have the perfect family. I want him to be spiritual leader of our family, to be involved in church. He chooses to sleep in every Sunday and show absolutely no interest in church or living his live for God. I just want him to be the passionate man of God that I know he could be. God's timing is one of the hardest things for me.
To: Anonymous "To My Husband"
3/19/10 9:15am
Oh how I want to jump through this screen and hug you! You are SO worthy and right in all that you said! I am praying for you... just remember that you are clothed with Strength and Dignity! HE gave it to you! It is yours! No one can take it away! Love you!
@ Rebecca @ 12:08 pm,
I am so sorry to hear of your deep pain. When you don't feel like there's a point to going through all the actions in the day, getting out of bed is nearly impossible and very painful.
In my time of deepest, darkest depression, God showed me that I didn't believe anything would ever change but no matter what, there is always hope.
I'll be praying for you!
I saw a lot of my younger self-- making men into God's-- in these chapters. However, I don't recognize a lot of captivity in this area of my life. I am looking forward to the coming chapters because most of my insecurity comes from other women.
Until then, I have begun seeing some of my husband's behavior as stemming from his insecurities and he's been very interested in learning what I've been reading in So Long Insecurity.
Thanks Beth for writing this book! I am overwhelmed reading all the comments of freedom and brokenness that our siesta blog is experiencing.
To Kelli @3:29
My heart goes out to you and your husband as you wait anxiously. God has not blessed us with a family yet, and it's been almost two years, but we're trying to be patient.
I will be praying for you through this process, and for your peace of mind. The God of heaven and earth cares for you and is intimately involved in all our heart issues. I fully trust that in His time he will bless you with another perfect little child. He is new every morning.
Hugs
In order to try to keep my own thoughts straight, I haven't yet read any other comments 'til I get my own spilled out here.
1. I wanted to refute ever having thought of men as gods or devils. But on reflection I can remember spending many years pushing to perform in whatever arena I found myself in order to gain the approval of the man in my life at that time. I suppose that makes him a god of sorts, because as you said, focus is fundamentally worship.
2. Interestingly enough, I think I watched this one play out in our home last night. Our 16yr old son was unusually quiet at dinner. I began my third degree, questioning every area I could think of. He proceeded to skulk off to his room. I told my husband that I thought we should go try to find out what was wrong. My husband said to leave him alone. As I prayed for him, I imagined all manner of difficulty he may be having and that we were being poor parents to not be supportive. Later he emerged with manner slightly improved. He admitted to having suffered some worse than usual bumps and bruises in practice and having a bad headache. I grinned at my worst-case-scenario thinking and handed him an Advil. Crisis averted.
The whole withdrawal thing reverberated loudly with me. My instincts are to talk something to death, whereas my husband seems to know when words can only complicate.
3. Omniscience really rang a bell. You almost quoted exactly one of my husband's favorite comments: "Don't ask questions you don't want answers to." Over 20yrs of marriage (thank You, Lord) have taught me that when my husband isn't ready to talk, I really will NOT benefit from trying to muscle him into it. Never heard the "tree" comparisons before, but, boy were they dead on.
Thanks for the insight.
Kathy B
H'ville, TN
40's
married
For Anonymous: To my husband posted March 19th @ 9:15
My heart aches for you. I have been in your shoes. I have felt what you have felt. God answered my prayers before I even prayed them. He is THAT big! He worked on my husband in ways that I never thought possible. God changed my husband's heart after 13 years of being married to him and I will pray that He will do the same for you. We cannot change someone's heart on our own strength, but on God's, miracles happen. In the meantime, stay strong and convicted in what you wrote and pray. He will hear you. Hold your head up to the sky, God loves you both.
I have been a bit behind in my reading, but have just finished Chapter 9. Oh, how this prayer resounds so clearly what I want to say to my Father. I thank God for giving these words to Beth to help so many of us in reclaiming our dignity and strength which can only come from Him.
As I wrote today's date in the blank on the statement at the end of Chapter 9, receiving my dignity back, I realized that today is the 10th anniversary of my dear earthly father's death. I haven't recognized the significance yet, but know God has a word for me in this timeliness - and I have asked for Him to reveal it to me.
The verses from 3/6/10 blow me away. The Word has such unending comfort and wisdom. My cup overflows!
Nancy
married
late 50's
Houston, TX
Mary
Illinois
50’s
Married
1. Well this takes me back to what my “sin of choice” was in my past. In the book Beth said, “…we don’t have to love something for it to become a god to us.” I learned at a very young age, like grade school, that boys, men can be manipulated and moved in my favor, BECAUSE I was a girl, woman. I had all the garbage that leads little girls and teenagers into the pit of bad choices and sin. Bad examples or none at all, physical abuse, dysfunctional family, a dad that was not there emotionally, controlling mean spirited mother and a child (me) that I believe somewhere along the road had her spirit broken. So down the road of men as my god and challenge, and toy, I began with no clue how far satan would take me. I was also naive enough to believe that somewhere out there was my knight in shining armor that would come riding through the mist in the forest on the white horse and swoop me up into the Happily Ever After Life. And on top of everything I LOVED and still LOVE being a WOMAN!! Through all my “Mary Messes”, I never once dislike being a woman. And to my wonderful amazement and through the MIGHTY POWER of God, I finally met and discovered that Jesus was my knight on the white horse that would swoop me up into a life of forgiveness and healing, and love that is supernatural and eternal. (Rev. 19: 11-16)
2. Men’s Insecurities-well in my day to day observation they do not talk about them. I am not sure that they would even know they have any. Ha! I do though believe that their insecurities are more connected to their identity and what is valuable to them. And the earning their manhood was an eye opener to me. Chapter 10 was very informative to me and I will be sharing it with my daughters and asking our men about insecurities in their own lives. That should be interesting!
3. Oh yes, I have definitely wanted the “power” and to know “everything” about everything. Not a good idea! Does NOT work and here I am reading this book and taking serious notes!! Thank you again Beth for helping all your sisters in the awakening of this pitiful pit of insecurity that many of us are in and teaching us how God can restore us to authentic security.
Married
40's
California
Men, like women, and all human beings, desire to be valued. They "see" that as respect. No wonder Ephesians 5:33 commands wives to respect their husbands. Not natural for us! "They must earn it..."
Omnipotence recognized the conviction there! So glad God has taught (teaches) me to be dependent on Him. I don't need to criticise, teach, correct, manipulate all the time. Liberty is wonderful! Grace sets free and God's power is beyond all we can ask and imagine.
PS We adopted 2 children to add to our biological 2. Growing up the middle of 3 sisters I was adamant not to add any girls to our family. I had been so twisted by manipulation growing up. We ended up with 3 boys and girl (now 13) youngest. Grateful! God knows what we need to need Him more. I needed to focus more on being a princess and well since the inheritance study, my daughter has on her wall, "If the crown fits, wear it". Joy oh
Secure in Christ, moment by moment, Jackie
1. I think I would go with both.
2. not much difference.
3. Neither of these resonated.
I am sorry for these brief answers.
I found all these questions so hard to answer.
Blessings,
Michelle
Vermont
married 40's
1. I tend to go middle ground with treating men overall as gods or devils, but with my husband it's definitely as a god. I was young and immature when we married, but I felt like he could do it all. That eventually led to me wondering why he married me in the first place. We've been married for 10 yrs and sometimes those thoughts try to creep back in.
3. These two chapters have had the most profound affect on me so far. I spend so much time worrying about what my husband should change that I fail to realize I have just as many issues as he does, if not more; so the omnipotent person is me. I can't tell you how many times I've showed him where to put his dirty clothes, the proper way to step in and out of the shower or the reason toothpaste comes with a lid. I've only started realizing those attributes are what make him who he is and I really don't want to change that.
Salina, married, 30's, Hindman KY
Beth,
Chapter 10 and 11 were amazing to me. I never once thought that my husbands anger, frustration, withdrawing, etc could very well be connected to insecurity about something. It may not be the answer all the time, but it helps me to not automatically assume something about him, but instead look at his reaction to things differently.
I can relate to what so many women have already posted, so I'll try to keep it short. I basically wanted men to meet my insecure neediness. My security was wrapped around the response I would get from them. Even today, I am like the man who wrote on page 193 and his relationship with his wife. That is where is struggle a lot!
*********************** a side note Beth
I'm about to view your March 17th Wednesday's with Beth show. I called my 16 year old daughter in and said, "Look how cute that black and white top is with that cute black sweater & jeans!" It's so much fun to see how you piece things together. You are amazing. My daughter said, "She should have her own clothing line!" I agree!
Oops...so forgetful!
Married
40's
Round Hill, VA
Ok - so how timely and quite funny is the Lord? Since we are examining our insecurities, He allowed me to go to work one day when I TOTALLY forgot to put my makeup on! I rarely go without some make up on my face. The only thing I had on was mascara (I know, I know...how INSECURE) and when I realized this I thought "Ok - do you turn around and head home for a quick splash of makeup or do you face the world as the REAL you?" I chose to take the lesson and faced everyone that day with the real me! It was quite freeing actually. Honestly, no one really cared to examine my face and if they did, no one cared to comment.....HOORAY. So long insecurity! I actually laughed at myself later to think that I would be so "important" an issue to others that they would take the time,energy and thought to notice if I had makeup on or not! I amuse myself daily. God amuses me too - I thank Him for the lesson.
SO LONG INSECURITY!!
Ali
Dublin, Ohio
30
Married
1) Definitely as Gods. Sadly, even though I am happily married to my dear husband, I still find myself flirting with other men to gain their attention. I cringe even typing that.
2) I find it fascinating that many of my physical insecurities are reflected in my interactions with other women. But my husband, on the other hand, doesn't ever "dress up" or "put on make-up" just to hang out with the guys. Why must I get all gussied-up just to hang around a bunch of women??? Makes no sense!
3) Omnipotence! I am a control freak. Gosh, I could use a lot more work in this area . . . I'm just beginning to scratch the service of this one. Yikes.
First of all, Ms. Beth, God love you for being willing to share an embarassing moment for the sake of a point! I loved the story you told on yourself in the doctor's office with the oversized plastic shorts! Hehe. I chuckle even now. The mental picture of your dainty body (especially legs) in those shorts had me tickled all day. You didn't have to share that but you did, and that makes us love you all the more! ...and then the fact that you don't take yourself so seriously that you tried to get a picture of yourself in the office while wearing the shorts...you are my kinda girl.
One more thing, most all of the guys you interviewed I really appreicatated their comments and felt they were genuinely coming from a place of peace and love. But you had a few that made me yell at my innocent book "OH WHATEVER, BANANA HEAD!" (as if the guy could hear me)
Just needed to get that off my chest. Okay, I'm ready to begin.
1. I've never really considered how I viewed men...mostly flesh and blood. Very little of my insecurity issues lies with men, so I've not spent a lot of time analyzing how I viewed them. I will say that after reading their insecurities, I have a new appreciation for their struggle. They are just as vulnerable and insecure as us- put a fresh perspective on how I view my husband. There is obviously much more going on in their minds, than I've often given credit to.
2.The thing that made my heart ache here the most for men was the fact that they want to proove they're men. As women, we acknowledge each other as women- I don't think any of us are trying to validate our "woman-ness." Our struggle is accepting that whatever type of woman we are- it's enough. But men's struggle at the root, just prooving to themselves first and then others that they are truly men. Again, made me feel very sympathetic for men and really look beyond my own self-pity. Opened my eyes to a man's perspective.
3. Omnipotence is my weakness. If I can control it, then I am not as afraid of it. Being driven by fear my whole life- control somehow falsely secured me in my world. Growing up in a home with physical & emotional abuse- a situation I had no control over nor means of escaping; as an adult- control is what I've craved in order to protect myself from any future harm. So much so, that to this day, I am never anywhere without my car. I like knowing that I am at no one's mercy and that I can leave a situation at any time- car's right outside. I walk into any room and immediately determine where all exit signs are and how I will get to them should the need arise. Being powerless is my greatest fear and being powerful is my greatest fight to obtain.
I must add here, that my sweet Savior is speaking to me through this book and His Word. So many Siesta's have posted scriptures that have comforted me in this point. I AM is a shield around me; I AM has clothed me with strength and dignity...it isn't possible to get any more power than that! Thank you Father for your patience with my brokeness. With all my heart, soul, and strength- I adore you.
age 30-ish
married
Texas
I am not sure which – and devil is not the word that quite fits but I have never had a “good” man in my life until my husband. I don’t know what it would look like to have a wonderful daddy. Consequently this hits a very huge insecurity for me! I feel like I am not worth the same as a man in God’s eyes. The Bible seems to be only written for men, especially the Old Testament where we were not even valued as much as a man for the temple. The modern church has seemed to have taken Paul’s words and have run with them trying to keep women in their place in the church. I have a hard time taking the Scriptures that you use and agreeing that they apply to me since I am a woman. I am having a very difficult time getting past this.
My husband is so open and he often shares with me his insecurities so I know what he is struggling with is very similar to me. It has given me such eyes to be able to be compassionate to other men to know what they are going through.
The omnipotence / omniscience really hit a nerve. I understood exactly what you were saying and have dealt with as I have been there and feel like I have dealt with it but wonder if it is just sitting passively underground waiting to jump out.
Stacy
Kimball, NE
40's
married
Heather
Euless
Divorced
Thirties
1. Based on Chapter 10, in all truthfulness, has your historical tendency been to view men (generally speaking) as gods? Or devils?
This varies depending on what environment I'm in. In personal relationships I would typically say Gods - because I invest my happiness in them. I know that my happiness only truly comes from knowing myself. At work, I would view men as devils for some reason - cut-throat and out for the bottom line and themselves as they climb the corporate ladder. That somehow to reach that level, I had to be ruthless and aggressive like a man, when in many cases there are some male coworkers and managers that don't manage with aggressiveness.
2. Based on Chapter 10 and your own day-to-day observances, what differences do you see between men’s insecurities and women’s?
I definitely agree that a man struggles with what is the true definition of being a "man." They want to be manly and strive to be that without fully knowing what that means or what it all entails. I had a conversation with my better half about his insecurities and he stated that due to our age differences (we are 10 years apart) he's insecure about his appearance and attractiveness. Men also struggle with insecurity in terms of the accumulation of wealth - So far at a workplace I have seen 10 brand new BMWs, all driven by men (conveniently after bonus time) in order to address their status.
3. On p.208 in Chapter 11, I suggest that women who struggle with insecurity tend to be particularly taken with 2 divine attributes: omnipotence and omniscience. Did either of these resonate with you? If so, how?
Omnipotence is all powerful and omniscience is all knowing. For a long time, I definitely was more prone to omniscience. I believed I was all knowing and could read people's minds. This was something my mother did to me often and I passed it on. I would make irrational decisions, lash out, and sometimes react unfairly to what I thought I knew.
1.yes
3. Man issues-Omniscience resonated w/me-had never really been able to assign words to it. He healed me(us!) from a wicked and long season of insecurity and jealousy-where I was digging for information(incriminating proof) to the point where I was definitely "leading the witness" and wasn't looking for the right reasons anyway.
Even more helpful about this concept was that I've found that I still tend toward wanting more info than I'm supposed to have about other things too, like health. Almost magic 8 ball style, searching the broad world of internet as if I can find a specific answer to a question that only God can answer according to His will and timing! Its hard to find a balance between being resourceful and grabbing from the forbidden tree again! One of those tighrope walks that is only possible through a close and prayerful relationship. Thank God-He's willing to be there for that!
Only One is infallibly trustworthy-therefore I can afford to trust others unless its no longer wise to do so based on what He reveals!
Okay, I've gone back and read other's posts...
To Anonymous (To my husband) posted around 9AM....
Siesta, I don't know the details of your world, but I recognize the turmoil & anguish of your heart. And I know that God, alone, can fill the empty places of your heart that another human is unable to occupy. When we want someone to love us a way that they are unable to- it's awful. But God can and does love you in that way- the way that you need...and it's without strings or expectations- it's with arms wide open, right where you are. And you are always enough for Him.
1. I would say gods for sure.....thankfully I really have never been hurt by a man in my life. My most common thing is to place them too high on a pedestal. I far too often get my priorities out of whack and my husband takes first place when I know God needs too. I find so much security in him being tangible when in reality I know God is my only one true security.
2. For me it seems that women are more consumed by what other women think about them (in all categories). Insecurities based on what others think. To me men seem to be more insecure based on their own perception of how they should be (in all categories) not necessarily what those around them think.
3. Sad to say both omnipotence and omniscience both resonate with me. To think I am trying to be like God in those areas was eye opening. WOW!! Who do I think I am ;-) I can really see that I am a control freak in all aspects of the word and in all aspects of my life. My poor husband! As far as all knowing...well that is one of my biggest downfalls. I feel like I need to know everything (all the details). Again, my poor husband!! You have opened my eyes to realizing I need to stop asking questions I can’t handle the answers to (some of my triggers) and I need to stop trying to control everything that I know only God has control over!!
Thank you Beth for being so faithful to write down the words God gave you!
These words I know are God’s answers to many years of praying about my insecurities.
He is speaking to my heart!!
Erin
Glendale, CALIFORNIA
32
Happily Married
Tamara
married
30
NB,Tx
1) I have always viewed men as gods. In my baby book next to the question "what is baby's biggest fear" my mom put in all caps:MEN. Odd question for a baby book..just as odd is the answer. I have always seen them as big,authoritive people that are very intimidating. I have always strived to please them, and often got my heart broken. My husband is the first man that ever loved me without me having to strive for it. I had such a history of putting men on pedestals,one in particular for years, that I find myself seeking security in my husband that is not his to supply. "Breaking Free" changed my unhealthy view of this..such a life changing study.
2)I seek affirmation over and over again when I feel insecure....where as my husband gets defensive and says he doesn't need anyone's approval.(pride)
3)When I married my husband I really thought it was enough that he was a believer. That was a check on my check list. It is so hard for me not to be tempted to nag him to do the things that will help him grow as a christian. But, I have seen that being a praying wife and "living" out the word of God..brings about much better progress. I loved that you said "Somewhere along the way, we have to acknowledge that our loved one is a seperate person from us-"
We have to let God do what only HE can do!:)
marilyn
61
MO
married
1. i have viewed men more as devils. when i first read the Bible..........i thought.......'where are men like this today??"
2. the thing that stood out most to me for men was their fear of failure........as a man, in their profession, etc. women's fears are more relatonal......not being loved, not feeling significant.
3. oh yes, i've been a control freak for years, it's nice to know it was from a deep seated desire to be omnipotent. fortunately, as the years have gone by, it just became too exhausting and totally unsuccessful.. i just got tired of GOD prying my fingers off loved ones and situations...........learn your lessons earlier than i did siestas.
1. My tendency has been more towards seeing men as gods, particularly my husband, especially in the earlier years of our marriage. I centered way too much of my focus and security on him...and not enough on God. Thankfully, God has corrected that focus, but I still have a tendency to lean that way.
2. I think that women's insecurities can tend to be more "recognizable" from the outside; whereas, men's are exhibited in less overt forms (withdrawal, intense competitiveness) that is more often just chalked up to just "being a man".
3. I think I pretty studiously avoid the power thing, but the omniscience...wow, you are spot on! I really appreciated how you depicted it as chosing to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil...pushing for more information than God knows is good for me to have. I'm trying to change to a Philippians 4:8 focus instead.
Deborah
married
40's
Clearwater, Fl
Becky
Brentwood TN
40's
married
Mercy! Those 2 chaps were so helpful!! I'm so pumped I can barley type my answers.
1. Devils, growing up with a father who was an alcholic, a brother who didn't like me from the get go,I saw men as devils more than gods.
2.Not much differences in M/W insecurities. The only difference may be men don't talk about or admit to them like we women do.
I want to thank each man who answered the survey ?'s. I had no idea men struggled with the same garbage we women do. I know now that I have a man who struggles with insecurity. Now it all makes sence to me.
3.I can't say either of these resonated with me. I kept looking for them in me, but really couldn't see it. I'm one of the few who think ignorance is bless, and I've never been accused of being controling...I think I'll ask my BFF and my adult children if I am.
BUT Beth, I must say you gave me a might powerful tool to use...oh honey, pg 225 last paragraph--end of chapter.
Thank you sweetie. Thank you.
Katie
48
Single/Divorced
Dallas, Tx
1)I see men like trees walking. I love that. It is so me. I have viewed men as both gods and devils. My mother viewed my father as a god and that always made me mad because he so was not a god! In an attempt not to be like my mother I sometimes end up viewing men as devils. But alas, the apple does not fall far from the tree and sometimes I see them as gods.
2. I believe the insecurities of men and women are differnt in that they relate to our traditional roles. Men tend to have insecurities about being the strong provider and women about being attractive nurturers.
3. Oh boy did omniscience resonate
with me and how!! I have so done the "eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil" thing. Thank you for shedding some light on that for me. It really helped me understand it.
ooops
1)Men to me were devils and gods in my past, I had lots of hurts and hang ups from going through 2 divorces a child.Having my step father on a pedastool only to see him fail my family and to walk away on the vows he made to my mother. I had a boyfriend that I squeezed the life right out him, wanting him to fill the void of hurts and to heal my broken heart.
2)That as women we are more selfish with our insecurities than men. Men is more about not being able to supply for the family and so on. And us girls is more on past hurts and hang ups.
3)Well for me it would be the control,wanting to protect others from going down the same heartache and pain paths, but to choose life and life more abundantly.
Cassie
Bishop,Ca
20's
Happily married
Penny
43
Kentucky
married
I had been raised to believe that men were like gods to be obeyed and submitted to without question. I saw my mother physically abused by my alcoholic father and my sister and I were included in the emotional and mental abused from his controlling and demeaning behavior. So for most of my life I have seen men for the devils I believed they truely were inside. Male friends of the family were always making advances toward me, I "blossomed" early and didn't realize the affect my appearance had on men. Everyone always told me how beautiful I was, how was I to know that could be a bad thing, I was too young to understand the way a man's mind could work.
1. So to answer the first question I would have to say devils because once I had seen how devious they could be as a teen and young woman I didn't understand how God could expect me to submit and obey one of them. My mind is slowly changing, He is still working with me.
2. I believe that we both have some of the same insecurities but they effect us differently. Men wanting to be powerful and successful and women wanting to be desirable and living a life with purpose and meaning. Okay maybe that is just what I want but I do believe we, both men and women, have insecurities that are equally haunting we just deal with them in different ways.
3. Both-omnipotence and omniscience. I want to control everything around me (at times) and I want to know why it's happening. My husband and three children all tell me that I am a control freak- not that harshly but I know what they mean, I am. I also want to know what makes them do the things they do, especially when they don't follow my advice. I can remember when my son, he's my oldest, was an adolesent and I made up papers for him to fill out during church service. I was in the chior (only the Lord knows why because I can't sing) and my son sat in the pew without me (his father didn't attend)and his sisters were in the nursery. I noticed with great embarrassment that he never seemed to pay attention during the service so I created a paper for him to fill out that required him to listen. He had to write in the names or page numbers of the songs the congregation sang, the title of the sermon and the location of scriptures read (John 3:16, etc.) write a few points that was made and then he could doodle or draw a picture of something that pertained to the sermon. I knew he was in church and knew he didn't cause a huge destraction but I wanted to know that he was listening.
I am still a work in progress, God is long from being finished with me yet.
When I think about this chapter, I am mindful of some gossip that has made it to my ears about a certain beautiful starlet and allegations regarding her husband. I just wanna hug her and assure her of the promises in the Word of God. It hurts to see or even know about someone hurting in that way. Not to mention the fact that the whole world is in on it. Yet, I know that God is able to lift them both out of the ashes..(Everyone involved, in fact) I am praying for God to be glorified here. Wouldn't that send that ungodly spirit for a loop? Yes, Jesus!! Your perfect will be done!
I have to be honest and I have nowhere else to go with this, pathetic as that is. I am reading the book, but I am drowning. It's hard not to be insecure when you have no friends and not one person really cares about you. I have my husband and my kids and I know I know I know that the Lord should be enough and my family too, but I am so tired of being invisible. I am so tired of having no one in my life and I am really trying not to give up.
1. gods. "Boys" were always highly esteemed in my family - prized more than girls and somehow I developed the idea that they were superior, held all the answers, could solve all the problems, make all things better etc.
2. Until I got married. Then I realized from the close up view I got of my own man that they were just as insecure as women. I just think they hide it better. I have always been fairly independent so I didn't go into marriage "needy" but I did have some expectations of him being the strong, secure mighty warrior-leader type who had answers and would step out in leadership, that did not pan out. I had no clue how insecure my husband was when I married him. He put up such a solid front and I believed him. As I began to see his insecurities unfold - honestly I began to panic - who was going to be my superman if he wasn't? How could I have not seen who he really was? Did I miss God on this?
It wasn't long into my marriage that I had to face the harsh reality that not only was he not going to be my superman, he wasn't going to "complete me" like all those sweet Valentine day cards and wedding poems promised. Nor was I going to be his dream women or complete him. I remember being jealous everytime I heard another wife gush over how much her husband completed her - how he was her world - I wanted that - but it just wasn't there. (if you are a single male and reading this - marry a dependent girl - I am convinced they make better wives!) The honest fact was we were not going to complete each other and we both knew it.
If it were not for Christ we would have despaired...
It was in those desperate years that I casted myself on Christ like I've never done before. I was so desperate for someone to fill me up, to satisfy the deep longings, to be my everything. If Jesus were just another human-man He would have high tailed it out of there - so would I, if someone else approached me that desperately. But I found what so many of you know to be true - He could handle it like no man could -and not only handle it, He was it! He was the real McCoy - HE was the superman I was missing in my husband, He was my protector,He was my completer, He filled me up like no one or thing could. For me, it took the stripping away all those other things that I thought were dream-fulfillers to really get that down deep in my core. (great job, house, husband etc) I see now how wrong I was to expect from my husband what only Christ could deliver and that truth has made all the difference in my marriage.
Here's what I know today. I am most happy with my husband and most content in my marriage when I am most dependent on Christ to fill me up. When I step out of that place (which I still do, for the life of me I don't know why but I do) and shift that need onto my spouse then things inevitably go awry. Insecurities flare, unfulfilled needs scream for attention and we become a mess all over again.
I know this did not exactly answer your question - but I hope maybe it will encourage someone else who knows the Lord but hasn't yet found Him to be her everything.
To CAROLINA CHEESHEAD on March 20 @ 8:51
I just wanted to say WELL SAID! Thank you for sharing with us. I think we all have to remember who to look at for fulfillment, in all areas of our life. It makes a huge difference! Amen!
To Anonymous on March 20th @ 8:44
My heart aches for you! I will so keep you in my prayers. I don't know who you are or where you are but God does and HE sees you. You are not invisible to Him! He loves you and He sees you!
1) In my younger years I would 100% agree that I thought of men as gods. All my best friends in High School were guys and after I got married I put all my well being into my man. Also, my mom is narsissistic and, as a child, I lost respect for the female gender and came to not trust them. I feel now I'm pretty much in the middle road on my thoughts of men. If I had to pick one over the other I probably lean towards thinking of men as gods.
2) I do see in my man that he can be insecure in having the responsibilities that God has given him as a husband and father.
3) Definatly omnipotent. I can be very controlling. I have noticed that since God has healed me, I've tended to give most of that up.
Tamara
Highlands Ranch, CO
Married
30's
I just had the God-given chance to work through Chapter 9 this week. Like so many of you, I knew that God directed Beth's words. It was perfect and I am continuing to remind myself of my God who is My Redeemer!
I have walked in so much shame all my life, ironically from a very oppresive church. I am walking tall with Psalm 31:25 as my new life verse! I needed to have it very visible - so it is now framed in a very visible place in my office.
I am praising God with all of you that the enemy has been exposed and is being defeated.
With Joy!
1. I think I see men more as gods, since I think that only be being desired by one of them will I prove that I am worthy as a woman. However, since I didn't date much and haven't had much "success" in that whole area, I kind of ignore men in general and lean on independence.
2. Not really sure about the answer to this question. Maybe women seem to allow their insecurity to be scattered over every possible arena, and men seem to keep theirs more focused? And women seem to be more honest about theirs. Since I don't really know men well, I'm not really qualified to answer.
3. I think I want both omnipotence and omniscience--I definitely struggle with wanting to control things to make myself feel secure, and I can only control effectively if I know what I need to know. . . This is why I have found myself exhausted trying to keep track of everything and everyone and doing God's job. . .
Single
40's (barely)
O'Fallon, MO
1. When I was younger, I tended to see my father as a god, who could do no wrong. And then in my teenage and early 20 years, I began to view them as devils. I was hurt badly in a relationship and I tended to view all men in the same light, as jerks who would inevitably hurt me. They could never measure up to the image of my father. Unfortunately I didn't realize that I was choosing the wrong type of young men. Duh! Tigers don't change their stripes. Thankfully, God began to change my thinking and when I met the man that would be my husband, I knew that he was the one, and I couldn't hold anyone else's behavior against him. We have been married for almost 27 years and sometimes I have had the tendency to see him as a god. But God has shown me when I tend to do that and I am trying to see him as the human that he is.
2. I think that men's insecurities tend to do with their manhood, where they work, how they provide, how successful they perceive themselves to be and how successful others perceive them to be, not necessarily monetary success, but what they do.
Women tend to measure themselves by other women, or how they think other women perceive them.
3. I am not a controlling person. Until it comes to my family. I feel like what they do, say, wear, etc. is a direct reflection on me. I have never been able to control my husband, and I probably wouldn't respect him if I could. But that doesn't seem to stop me from trying. My children are both grown and I know that they are separate people from me and that they will ultimately do what they want. I do know this. And God is working on me with the family control thing. But goodness, sometimes it is hard.
I struggled more with the omnipotence issue in the past. I learned the hard way that if God wanted me to know something that He would reveal it. When I dig and find things out, it only makes a mess. You are so right Beth, there is knowing, and there is knowing too much.
For Anonymous: March 20, 2010 8:44 AM
You sound like you feel hopeless. What makes you feel invisible & what would make you feel visible?
Praying for you!
Cindy
30s
Newton Tony, England
1. Probably gods. I was the girl in high school that always had to either have a boyfriend or be in pursuit of one. I didn't like being alone. Part of this stemmed from my sibling choosing a lifestyle of homosexuality (for a season) and I was deathly afraid of 1. Being classified as gay just b/c my sibling was and 2. I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't. Fear can be such an LIAR! Fear tormented me!
2. Men tend to "hide" and women tend to "cling". This is so true! When we are feeling insecure we want to have our friends and/or husbands close by to hear our concerns and tell us how right we are.
3. Both omnipotence and omniscience I can relate with. I am definitely one who likes control. But I moreso relate with omniscience because I do always want to know what's going on, what my husband's thinking, what happened in the past with him, etc. (Side note: I tell you what, if I didn't love y'all so much, I don't think I could write these answers. This is really challenging me to open up about things I've struggled with my whole life.
Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity" has been my banner verse during this season. Thank you Beth for highlighted such a beautiful Scripture. This verse has just about set me free on numerous issues the last month. I hear Him speaking that verse to me all the time. It is amazing how protective of our insecurities and fears our Heavenly Father is. Just recently, our family received some disappointing news which devastated my husband and I. It was nothing life-threatening but just something simply we had hoped for that God closed a door to. I felt God use verse 25 as a specific reminder of how when we are embarrased about an outcome or disappointed He can and will 'clothe us with strength and dignity' and take that precious dream we had and cover it with the beauty of His hands and shelter us from embarrassment and gossip from others. Sometimes, we hope for things that just weren't in God's will or at least in His timing and when we experience the pain of disappointment and are worried about what others may think, we can rest assured that God "covers" us and protects our reputation, our feelings and our hearts. I have experienced a deeper awareness of His love because of this revelation this past week and I'm so thankful that I have a Father in Heaven who cares so deeply about me.
Sarah
30's
single
1) I guess I would have to say a little of both, but mainly gods. Gods in the sense that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, desirable enough, etc. (I have only dated a handful of guys my whole life and haven't dated any one in much longer than I care to disclose here!) Perhaps a part of me also views them as devils since 2 male family members treated me very poorly, to the point that some would consider it abuse. I think as a result of that and that I was always picked on at school, I do somewhere deep inside have the assumption that MOST men (and honestly at my age, nearly all the men my age) are hard-hearted, mean and hard to please.
2) This is a harder one for me to answer since I'm not married (and have never been)--but I can go by what was disclosed in this chapter. I would definitely agree with Curtis' "fear of failure" being the main thing for men. For women, I think it's more of "fear of inadequacy" (in any and every way we could view ourselves to be inadequate). I do see a lot of similarities in men's and women's insecurities as well--especially as it pertains to wanting to control so (we believe) we'll feel more secure.
3) I also am mixed on this answer. As far as divine attributes being what I cherish most about my Heavenly Father, I would say omnipotence--because as time goes by, I'm aware that only He is able to make what seems impossible from a human perspective to come true.
But as it pertains to my insecurities, I would say omniscience. I have gotten myself into lots of problems over the years with a sometimes nearly insatiable desire to know everything about someone...I have excused it even with the super "spiritual" reason so that I would know how to pray more intelligently, but honestly (when I have said it at least) it's more me just wanting to feel more in control because I know all there is to know about a person. As if I can somehow micro-manage someone because I know EVERYTHING. I find myself sometimes being offended/hurt when I feel like someone is witholding information from me (when in reality it's not something I truly need to know.)
I didn't comment last week, but wow, Chapter 9 was amazing. God has truly given you the words, Siesta Mama, to speak His truth to our hearts. Blessings on you and everyone at LPM for your ministry to us!
And thank you for helping us face the ugly truth about our insecure selves (even when a couple months ago I would have told you I was NOT and insecure person!) :) God knows just what I need...and right now, it's SLI! :)
I've never considered them gods or devils. There are a lot of great guys out there. I just happen to draw the wrong one because of my (former)insecurities. (In Jesus Name.)
Omnipotence is my issue. I know the freedom in Christ and want to share it with family who wants no part of it. My zeal without knowledge has got me into a lot of trouble. I know that we are not be unequally yoked in marriage and relationships. When there is emotional abuse in marriage how do admit/realize that you married a devil. In loving your mate unconditionally, does that mean accepting the abuse. I know this is not true. How do you get past it and not wait for the shoe to drop everytime. God is for marriages and wants restoration. However, He is not going to force himelf on anyone.
Men and Women have security issues. Each just manifest them in different ways.
P.S. I thought the same thing as "Not so little dutch girl" My song is F.I.Y.A. by James Fortune the initals stand for Free In Yahweh's Abundance
@Stacy:
I wanted to share a verse that particularly touched me recently.
"The whole of creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth as it awaits its final redemption from the effects of the fall." ~Romans 8:22
Back in November, I was reading from a book called Blessing Your Husband by Debra Evans. After quoting Romans 8:22, Mrs. Evans goes on to say, "Though it is easy on difficult days to forget our ulimate goal, our labor and groans are deeply productive where God's eternal purpose for us is concerned. 'For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18' "
The symbolism of childbirth in the Bible is not a common sermon topic, but there it is, an answer to the question of suffering and a picture of our salvation, put into words that only a mother (A WOMAN) could fully understand. That's just an awsome thought, isn't it, that God is speaking specifically to WOMEN who have gone through the pains of childbirth? Just picture the whole of creation groaning in the midst of labor, and then that final moment when the child arrives and there is instant and complete relief, and overwhelming joy. Our labors are over, our sinful natures are gone, along with all the pain (AND INSECURITIES!)that accompany them. Amazing! And not just us, but someday "the whole of creation" will feel that relief. Don't you long for that day?
Melissa
Married
30's
Virginia
Sharen
Georgia
50's
Single
1. It was easy to answer this one, as gods, because they can do all things. But, that thinking is wrong because only God can do all things.
2. The differences that I see are that men hve insecurities based on what they do and women have insecurities based on who they are.
3. This was an easy one because I have battled control issues all my life. So many things seem out of control so I put a tight grip on those things that I can control. Never looked at it as usurping God's omnipotence, however. Thanks Beth for the insight.
1. I used to view men as devils until I met my husband. Since he wasn't a devil I viewed him as a god. I learned a few years ago that it's not fair to either one of us for me to keep him on that pedestal. Since then, it's been much better to simply see my husband as a fellow human, and the only One on a "pedestal" now is Jesus.
2. Men's insecurities seem to be based on performance, and women's seem to be based on appearances.
3. First, let me say that the part about women playing the devil is very eye opening to me. I have two wonderful, spiritually and morally grounded sons. I intend to share your insight about this type of woman with them. You expressed it so well, and I believe they will appreciate the wisdom of your words.
In Chapter 11 I mostly related to the omnipotent part. I hadn't realized until now that much of my security is based on God's word, so my natural tendency was for others to fall in love with it as deeply as I have. I have been very disappointed when they don't jump in with me and study or appreciate the things God has shown me. I'm asking the Lord to help me see if I've been trying to push "my way" of doing things, in order to make myself feel more secure.
For Anonymous @ 8:44PM-
You make me worried! You are NOT invisible. You've been heard.
It can be discouraging to see others around you seem to leap like beautiful gazelles through life- while the rest of us are like clumsy fawns just trying to get our legs steady under us- never mind leaps. But you are cherished, fearfully & wonderfully made, and serve a divine purpose for your Creator! Praying for you...
gods. i thought a man would be what would make me happy. if only i clung to Jesus and His love..if i had placed my SECURITY IN HIM...i would not have thought my security could be found in a husband because IT CANT...
heading home to Australia tomorrow with 2 of the 4 kids...please pray for a safe journey...so happy i can continue with the study from there.
Monica 30s
m w 4 kids
toronto, canada (transplanted aussie)
I have found these questions to be a bit tricky for me to answer this week. I have had some set backs this week with my insecurity issues. Didn't pass all the spiritual attacks with flying colors. I am so thankful to at least know it is insecurity and how I can get back on track. I have read Chapter 11 the part about omnipotence at least 3 to 4 times. This has really hit home. It is still very tender to me. God is really working in my heart and showing me that I need to get out of His way and let Him do the work that I have been trying to do for so long. It hasn't worked anyway. "...at the end of the day, people do what they want to do." This was great insight for me.
Oops forgot:)
Kim
North Carolina
Married
40
Barbara
30's
New Orleans, LA
married
This is part two because I forgot something. I read ahead and I went back and saw something related to this topic.
When Mrs. Beth (sorry if I am offending you; I just grew up like that)stated when a man has set his heart to be righteous a woman can be a devil to him. Vice Versa
My husband is like that. I don't get it. He would rather have me do something wrong (my perception) than be in the word. It seems like the more interested I became the worst he got.
He was ok with me going to church every week, but when I became serious about walking the walk he couldn't handle it. There are things in our marriage that God wanted to address. He wanted status quo. In my Masterwork study of Daniel, I know Mrs. Beth says a woman can feel superior to her husband because she is seeking God and he is not. I can see how it can be perceived that way. However, if the spouse is not ready to receive Christ anything his wife does will set him off. (vice versa)
please pray for me. I have so much information that I don't know how to appy it (WISDOM).
To anonymous @ 8:10 am March 20th,
I'm praying for you! I SO know how you feel and have been there myself. Keep praying for God to bring that friend into your life. I'm finding mine, I think, through a Sunday School class. God is there even when we feel so alone! You are NOT invisible to HIM!
Karen
Single
40's
Dover, NH
1. I have historically seen men as devils. I have been badly hurt by insecure men. But over the last 5 years God has educated me on the insecurities of men and this has allowed me to be more compassionate and forgiving.
2. I think you hit this just right when you said that men's insecurities cause them to withdraw but women's insecurities cause them to cling. That is what I've observed.
3. I use to have the issue of omnipotence and still fight with this from time to time. I use to want to change people especially if I thought I had the answers they needed. Instead of pointing them to God, I would act like God's messanger for them. I have learned, however, that that does not work. They have to want to change and to want to bring God into the process. My role is to pray for them.
This is my first post comment, Beth I love the book. God has dug up some roots.....
I have a long history of abuse so
I would view men as gods until I got them, then they became devils. Everytime. I'm now on my third marriage and God is teaching me how to veiw my man as human with a Divine God inside.
I am ashamed to say I suffered from both omnipotence and omniscience. MAJOR. God is still delivering me from both and slowly but surely there has been progress over the years. Praise His Name!
Adrienne
Married
40
Thank you Tickledpink4u. God really used you just now to encourage me.
What I am discovering as one of my BIG insecurities is that after I have written something from my heart and pushed SEND or even worse, spoken it to a group that I then spend the next 24 hrs fretting over who I might have offended, did I come off as selfish in saying what I did, was I misunderstood - did I miscommunicate my heart and make someone else look bad? did I hurt someone more than I helped? etc etc. If ever I speak to a group I can always count on not sleeping that night as I recount everything I did wrong. UUGGGHHH - isn't that crazy - honestly who cares or even remembers--but it really messes with me for the next day or so. So much so that I always think - okay I am going see this thing (study, agreement, whatever) through and then I'm not committing to ANY other "up front" thing so I won't be scrutinized.
That is one of the main reasons I am reading this book. Oh how I hope God speaks to this issue for me in this book.
So with that in mind - you guessed it- I have worried all day that my comment would not be well rec'd, that maybe it would be misunderstood and so I just logged back on to see if anyone was offended and maybe left a harsh msg back for me (and I know how sweet this group is but even still that is how my mind works). So when I saw your comment I almost cried at how kind it was. He used you to encourage me today. Thank you so much.
Well, my next stop after checking here was to go back to look for the post where we were suppose to share our insecurities but I guess I just did.
40's
married
and as anonymous as possible because-you guessed it -in case anyone is offended with me!:{
Dear Rebecca: in reading your post, I'm sorry you're hurting. Just a couple things to keep in mind: any time you're tempted to go the "what if" route --be aware there's no such creature. And also, on that note, "what if" leads seemingly innocent questions into painful criticisms of self and others.
I am convinced God has better things in His plan for you. Immerse yourself in His word when you feel a moment of uncertainty. Go back to the 3/6/10 of verse postings. Remember Psalm 23:1-> The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not want... put your name in that verse.
Sweetie, the LORD is YOUR SHEPHERD, so tell the enemy of your soul you have everything you need thru your Shepherd and you don't want what (the enemy) is tempting you with --now or ever!!!!
Lastly, keep in mind that there may be a limit to the # of tickets that church is allowed to offer to their congregants, leaving the rest for others from other churches...
From Beth's Believing God Bible study: God is Who He says He is; God can do what He says He can do; you are who God says you are; you can do all things THROUGH CHRIST; God's Word is alive and active in you. So you can shout at the enemy of your soul: I'M BELIEVING GOD!!!!!!!!!
You're in my prayers.
Diane
40
Ogden, Ut
divorced
Rebecca: just a P.S. --I believe in faith that God's Word -Christ- is alive and active in you.
Any time the enemy tries to get you thinking about "well what if..." just say "so what! God's Word is alive and active in me!" and sing a praise song to God who loves you like crazy!!!!
Keep seeking Him.
Have you read Jeremiah 29:11 lately?!
God bless you!
Diane
1. Both, honestly. Putting them on too high a pedestal, then getting too angry at them for failing to be God.
2. I would say men's insecurities are generally less obvious to everyone around them, but men fear failure and women fear abandonment. "Fear not, My child, I'm with you always" seems to be the answer to both our deepest insecurities.
3. YES! I was highlighting every sentence on the omniscience section - the struggle with wanting to know it all. One of the stories was strikingly familiar, and what you said about "eating from the wrong tree" was a great revelation!
Lindsey
Jenks, OK
Single, 20s
Katie
My last chance to say this: 20's
Knoxville, TN
1. I'm thinking that I must view men on a personal level and not in general because I can neither say devils nor gods.
2. I just found out tonight after reading Ch. 10 that men have insecurities. I have to swallow this. I truly didn't ever think they did! That's what I get for thinking!
3. I totally cracked up at what you had to say about a woman's insecurity bringing out the control freak in her because that is so me. But then again I'm also the person who needs omniscience. The really cool part to me is that now that I realize it, and can see why I do that, I have hope that I will be a different person now.
Several women have posted about how their security is tied to their husband's moods. Mine too. I think it is normal in a since, but I really think this is something we can all work on now that we realize that we can't find our security in them. I'm feeling more secure already!
Kim
40's
Married 22 years
1- I think I've experienced men as both gods and devils---but mostly I view men as gods.
2- I have always been too wrapped up in my own insecurity to realize that men suffer insecurities as well. They always seem so strong, self-assured and occassionally clueless to me---apparently that's why I also view them as gods :)
3-Both resonated with me. I have tried to control all the people in my life at one time or another "for their own good", b/c "I know what is best for them" AND I have also sought to know every detail of whatever situation I am trying to control---often this knowledge makes me feel the need to control the person even more.
Dear Anonymous
20s
married
March 21, 2010 4:53 PM,
I have been where you are. There is hope and healing for you both. I reccommend a book for your hubby called The War Within: Gaining Victory in the Battle for Sexual Purity ~ Robert Daniels. This book really helped my husband. I often wanted my husband to go to counseling. He refused. One thing that helped him was being able to confess to another man. But, truthfully I now see it was his way of dealing with his own insecurities from his past and our lives together. You can ask him to share when he is feeling insecure if possible so that the two of you can work it out together. He needs to let you know what his needs are and you need to believe him. I have often not taken my husbands needs seriously...like the need to feel desired or wanted by me.
When you wrote the words "physical violence" my heart lurched. I grew up in home with physical violence and have repeated mildly some of those patterns with my children. Physical violence can not be ignored. It cannot be overlooked. I will pray for the wisdom only God can give you both.
There is hope with the Lord. He can bring beauty from the ashes. He sees and know you both. Know that you are loved beyond measure and you are valuable and worthy of love. I know how much you love your husband even when it hurts. You will be in my prayers. I'll call you Thibby because that is the word I had to type in the verification section :)
I'm posting anonymous to cover over my loved one too.
Trying to work through this book but it's painful! Finding myself pulling away from friends and it doesn't help my insecurity that they don't seem to care. So sad. Trying to be secure in Him but falling miserably.
1. Throughout my life I have primarily seen men as gods. I put a lot of pressure on my husband in the early years of marriage to "complete me" and be my everything. Wow! If only I would have known what that was doing to him. I am so grateful that Beth has written this book so that young women can learn this much sooner than I did!
2. It seems to me that men have insecurities that are more related to how their "manhood" affects those they care about, like being the provider for the family or a good father. Women seem to struggle more with things that are, dare I say more selfish, like aging, weight, and appearance.
3. I have struggled with both omnipotence and omniscience. Going through a rough time with my daughter's eating disorder when she was in high school cured me of omnipotence in relationships. When I tried to control it, she got worse. When I finally gave it completely to the Lord, He provided a team of professionals and resources to accomplish His complete healing. To God's glory, she is completely well and happy now. I saw a miracle of God first-hand when I gave up control. However, the omniscience is a different story. I always want to know everything! Yes, I have eaten from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil as well. Knowing things I shouldn't know can be a burden just to heavy to bear. What really resonated with me is that when God reveals what He wants us to know, it comes with His grace and power to deal with it. When I pursue knowledge he doesn't want me to have, it destroys me. This is HUGE for me, and I am totally going to change because of this revelation. Thank you Beth, and praise You, Jesus!
Sheryl
Married
49
WOW! These two chapters were so enlightening- they hit at the heart of the way I have been living my life. I felt a great need to go back to the confession part of ch 9 and add to the list. thank you Lord for opening my eyes to the truth. here goes the answers to the questions.
1. I have expected men to behave as gods and treated them as devils when they did not meet my expectation. ouch.
2. As women we seem to let our insecurities hang out in full view - for example, we(I) tend to confront others about what they are doing or saying when it touches my insecurity. Men, at least the ones i work with, often have a certain amount of bravado they display when their insecurity is touched. On the other hand,others withdraw completely - both verbally and physically.
3. I have practiced to a great degree both omnipotence and omscience. I have learned more than I needed to know and couldn't handle it and then tried to control my husband. I started by going through a time with my head in the sand - too spiritual to see the issues in our marriage. When i finally saw the issues, I went immediately to omniscience and omnipotence - thinking it was my responsibility (alone) to fix the problems. I never understood what either piece looked like until now. This chapter was surely taken from my life. Lord please forgive me, help me to change; to walk in the freedom that you have given me.
Thank you for writing this book. It came at exactly the right time.
Marcia/Portland, OR/50s/married.
1. This was such an interesting chapter - one that was definitely true and yet embarassing as a woman (just that we are so capapble of these vices --- but HELLO... has anyone ever watched a soap opera --- I am CONVINCED that the more I watched those (like when I was in college) the more I was in the category of believing that men were the devil. I wouldn't have recognized it as such - but what I DID recognize was that my life tended to wreek more unnecessary DRAMA when I watched those shows so closely. It was as if I was "got off" on their "lives" (fake lives mind you - but something sucked me in to keep watching it time and time again) and so I almost bought into the way they were painting life. (although I didn't have any long, drawn out dramatic pauses in my conversations --- LOL!!!)
Anyway - so ultimately, I think that I mainly view men as gods because I view women as my enemy. Especially saw this in light of my relationship with my husband (POOR MAN) --- I have put him on a pedalstal (ugh I can't spell) and unfortunately it's so high that OF COURSE it's setting him up for a big fall! I don't view him as human, fellow journer in this process of sanctification --- I see him, EXPECT him to be ABOVE that, strong, I realized I expected him to be my god. GROSS. I am so sad at my sin in this. But I don't want to be so quick to stop there - I can TOTALLY see how quickly our hearts can then move to see them as the devil. (anyone read Changes that Heal by Cloud & Townsend? It's called Good/Bad Split) I think it's for this reason that my mom had an affair AND my mother-in-law who was ACTIVE in church, leading marriage small groups in her home.
And yet here is my other problem - because of this history - I feel plagued (and maybe insecure) that it is gonna happen to me... as if I have no choice in the matter --- absolutely ridiculous I realize, yet something is not right in my mind and heart on this manner and I want to be free.
whew - that was long winded!
2. What has stuck with me the most: Insecure men withdraw and insecure women cling. I see this on the college campus where we do ministry and if I am honest - I can see this play out in my marriage (in different ways than on campus).
3. Omnipotence - which is an awful realization for me. Like I was okay with saying that I am a control freak - but to say that I want to be omnipotent like God feels like I am gonna be struck down on the spot (boy that says something about my view of God now doesn't it?!) My "ah-ha" moment was when Beth pointed out that the greatest challenge is when we are convinced that we are GENUNIELY trying to help someone towards a better life --- yet, in our hearts we know we are really trying to control. hmmmm....
Jen
married
30's
Honestly, I didn't know how I was going to answer these questions when I first read them! Didn't think they applied! BUT after reading the chapters, I DO have answers:
1. I have "placed too much of my personal value & status of wholeness into the hands of" (pg.200) any man in my life, with my Dad & my spouse being in the highest 'positions'! So - gods usually - tho I realized that I gave the position of devil to my ex. by blaming him for our failure.
2. My thoughts while reading chp 10: Men would be created with the same? 'hole' inside them to search for God, right?! (that truth really struck me!) It's amazing that the inherent tendencies we all seem to be created with-males "to provide/see how good I am" & females "take care of/notice me" - can be turned into the fear of not fulfilling those holes, leading to feelings of failure/hoplessness & turning them into our god(s)/focus. When the true purpose seems to be:
A. to allow God to guide & be the provider of everything, so we can KNOW & Praise Him & be WHOLE
B. then when/if we have a mate, we fit together as a whole, the way He intended us to-the three of us: God, Man, & Woman.
I want to stop believing the lies of the enemy and believe my Heavenly Father instead!!!!!!!!!!!
Isaiah 33:6 NET
"He is your constant source of stability; He abudnantly provides safety & great wisdom; He gives all this to those who fear Him."
3. I've never felt I had any power over men!!! Wanted it & been jealous of those who did! I have definitely spent too much time on: "If he-then I", "he should, so I can be". When I met my ex-he told me, "you make me happy" - that was a 20 year struggle/failure to fulfill! I often try to 'help' others...didn't realize how it can be a god complex! And yes, I have been guilty of asking too many questions, wanting to know all! But recently God has been working with me on that, because I have thoughts like, "can I really handle knowing that" & have prayed for God to reveal whatever, if I need to know it, in His time. (So both resonated.)
I have also realized that I cannot DO this - any of it. I don't have the power - I have had to pray for GOD to work in me. All I can do, is look to HIM to work in me. Maybe that is letting go of fixing me too. I want to stop whipping myself into shape - it doesn't work and I only feel guilty & hopeless. God is much better at 'fixing' me!
Thank you Beth for allowing Him to use you to open our eyes & point us to Him!!!
Barb, 50's, Married, AZ
1. My historical tendency has been to generally view men as gods. Especially growing up, I was very intimidated by men, outside of my family members, and felt very nervous and insecure around them. As I've gotten a little older, I've become more comfortable around them and have been more able to see them as regular human beings like myself.
2. I think the book hits the nail on the head with this one. I think men tend to be more insecure about "being manly" and providing financially for their loved ones. I think women tend to be more insecure about their appearances and having a man in their life.
3. Omnipotence has been a divine attribute I have foolishly tried to obtain. Many times I have tried (unsuccessfully) to control things and people. I have had to, and am still learning to, let go and trust God. This chapter helped me reflect on the aspects of my own insecurities may be driving me to try and control others and what ways can I look to God to heal those insecurities. That's where the real freedom is!
Knoxville, TN
20's
Single, In a Relationship
I view/viewed men more as "gods" than devils. Most of the men in my life have been gentlemen. My Dad is one of them. Because he was a great example of a wonderful, disciplined, productive man, I assumed from early girlhood that most boys and men knew their minds and were secure in their thoughts and personhood and decisions. And since I thought boys and men knew their hearts and minds, I was generally certain it was me that was the insecure, indecisive, uncertain variable in any given friendship, relationship, or acquaintance.
2. Perhaps this is just because I am a woman and therefore know women - as well as because of how I have viewed men (my answer above) - but it has always seemed to me that women tend to wear their insecurities on their sleeves for all the world to see - far more so than men. At the same time, when I think of insecurity in men, what comes to mind is overly agressive or angry behavior - or overly sensitive or defensive reactions to criticism or healthy disagreement. I rarely attributed withdrawal in men to insecurity before reading the men's comments in SLI. I generally assumed their withdrawal was more of a choice; of quiet confidence or healthy distance or wise boundaries, or something along those lines.
3. Omnipotence resonates more strongly with me. I want my husband follow hard after God; it's hard to leave that to God. (In fact, I've gone back and forth so many times on ordering Curtis' Drive Thru the Bible CDs for my husband for that very reason.) As for omniscience, I'm often very curious to know certain things, but there's usually something stronger in me saying, "You don't really want to know." I had a number of instances of people telling me more than they should have when I was younger - the result being far more hurtful than not knowing (and in some cases, I learned that was the very intent in telling me), so I think those memories help keep my curiosity in check.
Linda
St. Paul
Married
40s
Nelli
Kingsport, TN
20s
Married
1. More as a god. My poor husband...I wanted him to fix me in ways that God only can.
2. I pooch out my stomach in the morning when I look in the mirror and make an ugly face. My husband flexes, smiles, and says "oh yeah"! I have never looked in the mirror and went away thinking "oh yeah"!
3. Omnipotence. It's like I've said to God, "Ok, thanks God for saving my husband but I'll try to sanctify him for You".
1. I neither thought of men as gods or devils. Not in anyway “supernatural” either for adoration or abhorrence. Did I adore or abhor? I thought about this statement “Maybe like me you vacillate between the two, but this is the news flash: either extreme--adoration or abhorrence--always betrays the depth of our own insecurity.” I was deeply afraid of and insecure around both men and women.
Let me see if I can bring my mind out in away that is understood about where I was before my understanding as it is now. I saw early on that neither women or men deserved either extreme; I had problems with love and hate, but not the extreme words for either gender; yet I applied the extreme of abhorrence to myself in that I thought in all cases where fault was necessary, I was at fault; I was to blame for their actions and reactions to me by both men and women…did I think it was a power that I thought I had? I don’t think so; it was badness on my part I thought I deserved all that happened to me-- I was a rotten egg and the stench of such I could not prevent escaping as cracks came about as I fumbled around in life, I was born marked. I was black in heart and that is why I was treated the way I was. I remember being asked to draw a picture as to when I thought it all started…and I drew a pregnant woman with a black mass in her belly and I believed that to be me. Please, I am in no way saying anything out of disrespect it was just a drawing and now I am just expressing the answer to a question asked, just my take to things as I saw them then… but that belief system somehow became a deep, deep seated truth in my heart and soul.
Deborah
CT
50
married
I hated myself and did not think I had anything in me that would encourage pure, wholesome love or kindness toward me. Believe me at one point in my teenage years I tried, after being sponsored to go to a Christian youth camp I tried ; I thought this is what is missing…someone else’s life instead of mine, no, I did not confess with my mouth the Lord Jesus nor believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead; I tried to live my two weeks after camp applying the good life of Jesus with out the power of His Spirit. Oh, how I tried to be good hoping it would change the course of peoples actions and reaction; but having a family hostile to Jesus Christ only brought further abuses. I thought I can’t win no matter what I do. It was like the devil knew I had just a hint of light and he would see to it I would be blind to the one thing I was missing…Christ in me the hope of Glory.
I hope this is answering the question…you said in all truthfulness and that is what I am trying to be--Truthful. So after that whole spiel I guess I would have to say if I had to choose between the two I would say devils…but in reality I thought I was a “devil” (bad seed) and brought out the worst in both men and women therefore deserved all that I received…does this make sense to anybody??? Note, this is all past tense! The historical thoughts not the present day thoughts of my heart!
2. I guess the differences would be where they find their identity…men’s identity seems to be found in how they provide and if not up to snuff feel insecure …women’s identity seems to be found how they nurture, nest and if not up to snuff feel insecure. Is that too simple? It seems in the way we show or how they manifest themselves through our actions we could say that these are similar.
3. On my, Beth, yes, omnipotence…that had been my problem! Had been…we could be sisters in the very things I did in an effort to make my man “happy”. To see to it he be godly… I chuckle now, but in sincerity I was doing what I thought was right! Can you believe it?!
I have to say God called me to the carpet and let my “righteous” world tumble that he can heal and restore (he wanted truth in the inward parts and as it was I still need to know the deep love God had for me…for me. Yes, by this time I did confess with my mouth the Lord Jesus and believed in my heart that God raised him from the dead, but He did not want outward adherence to grace in the form of law…that not of myself it is a gift…not of works…for God showed his love toward me in that while I was yet a sinner…I had to KNOW HE LOVED ME…I was taken down in the valley in the shadows that he show me his LOVE for ME…he knew the depth of the other belief and needed so to superimpose His Very love and truth over that LIE of the enemy…he needed me to know his love for me in a deeper depth than the lie) hence taking my eyes and hands off my man. Our Father is good in that he wants to have omnipotence over all: my husband, my children and I…He does a much better and lasting work in our hearts and souls…
Omnipotence, omniscience-- I had to learn both were not mine though and yes, I tried the both on and no, that one did not fit me either! God is God I let Him be God! Many lessons tucked in my portfolio to us to his glory when the time comes though.
To Anonymous:
20s
married
March 21, 2010 4:53 PM
Oh, dear sweet girl. I am with you. I am with you in heart and prayer and oh how I wish we could get together for coffee and talk through this. I am beseeching our awesome God on your behalf this very moment. My kids are sleeping and I am dedicating some time to war on your behalf.
You are so precious to Him. So precious and valuable to our God. You must know that this issue of your husbands is completely and unequivocally separate from you my dear. Please know this. Ask the Lord to allow that truth to run deep into your heart. Your worth and beauty and appeal is wrapped IN NO WAY up with his addiction to pornography. May our gracious Lord shine His light on you in this area. I am praying for you friend.
I forgot to say that I read/absorbed a LOT of romance novels-Christian & Non-christian, so I had a lot of 'god' type of expectations of my 'knight in shining armour'!
Not sure if it's important to add but I do think dispelling that myth is so important!! Only God is our Saviour/"All in All" - thank you for stating that so clearly, Beth!!!
Barb, Married, 50's, AZ
Anyone with some advice regarding insecurity in the church? That's the number one place that I feel insecure. I am so different and so disconnected from the other people that I worship with. I try to minister to the young girls and that's a blessing, but I don't feel secure around any of them women my age or older. Most Sundays and Wednesdays I leave church with tears in my eyes because I'm so disconnected from the Body.
I have not done the homework for this week yet, but I needed to add to my comment from the chap.9 session. Especially for those who were praying for me that week, thank you so much!
I had talked about being convicted of keeping a stash of razor blades hidden away "just in case" I found myself in over my head again emotionally. I am all too familiar with the feeling of wanting to cut, to kill, to destroy. But God is so amazing!!
2 days later, on 3-18-2010, I took those r.b 's to my best friend's house ,and after much explaining about how I had reached that point, I gave those blades to her. Together, we gave them to God. Such a sweet moment with a precious friend. I committed to stop harming myself, and to put my security in God instead. We cried and prayed and cried and hugged and cried and got over-heated (!) and cried some more. Later that afternoon, we laughed our heads off at ourselves, a much needed break after the tears.
It's just incredible!! I thought I knew what I needed, I thought I knew where God was headed, truthfully, I didn't even really think I needed a book on insecurity! (Hard to believe, huh?!) But "God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything."!!!!!
Not to worry... I do realize my battle has only just begun. (Where are those verses on the armor of God anyway?!!) Still covet your prayers, though.
From a praise song: "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Your love makes me sing!!!"
Kristi
Philadelphia
40's
married
(sorry in advance as I"m not sure how much this relates to the question of the week but I wanted to share...)
Let me just say I love you ladies so much! There are so many of you that the Lord has put on my heart today that I wouldn't even know where to begin. As a Siesta who lives overseas where fellowship with others Siestas can sometimes be sporadic at best- this has been so healing to my soul!
I posted late last week about our struggle with infertility and asked for prayer as we're trying for another baby. I tried to post a follow up to that and I'm sure in my emotional state I somehow botched that up. Basically, we did not get the news we had hoped for on Saturday- God's timing is not now for another child for us. Continuing to pray and continuing to hope but it's for sure been an emotional few days.
The timing of this study has been perfect though because I've realized how much insecurity has been playing a role in this whole fertility journey for me. I've found myself at times questioning everything from my understand of God's will to my understanding of what He is speaking into my life etc.
Basically, Saturday, after finding out we couldn't have a baby now we came straight home from the hospital and prepared to host house church at our home for a gathering of other believers. The first song we sang was "Blessed Assurance" and for me the tears were just falling. I was sitting there looking around the room at my older two daughters singing their hearts out, holding my 4 year old in my lap, gaining strength from my husband as I was just barely holding it together, looking around at the people the Lord has woven into my life, and I just realized how incredibly true those words are- "This is MY story, this is MY song, praising my Saviour all the day long". No matter how painful the current trial, this is the story that God is weaving into my life. No matter what, in MY story and MY song, HE alone is MY Saviour. I realized that I'd been letting my insecurities rob me of that beautiful thought. Forgive me Lord!
My prayer for all of us is that we won't let Satan tell us for a second that our stories are irrelevant or that God considers them unimportant- He is the author after all. The enemies biggest trick is to make me feel insecure in my relationship with my God and I won't have it!
I love you ladies!
Kelli
Lebanon
married
30's
1. I honestly have not struggled with viewing men as either gods/devils. Sure, there have been days when I have put one or two men into this category for a time but never have I had that mindset for the entire male gender.
2. I will probably be the only person that answers this way...but I just cannot see other people's insecurities be them male or female. Even after reading the book and realizing MANY people are insecure I have tried to see the women around me as insecure and I just am not seeing that...
3. Omnipotent---and I just did it 2 days ago telling my husband he needed to change something. I realized after I read this that not only did I think it would be a self-improvement for him but deep down I thought it might change my circumstances as well and therefore change my security. AUGH!
Help me Lord!!
30's
married
SD
to the two ladies who responded to my post.. Christine Sweet and Anonymous March 22 12:17
this is "Thibby" (hey, i'll take it). thank you guys so much for healing and life-giving words. whats hardest about this kind of thing is not feeling like i can tell many people because it's really HIS sin and i don't want to blab that around. so its wonderful to have this community here where prayer can be sought in some amount on anonymity. man, i wish sometimes we could pick the things God causes us to struggle with cause this was one i was sure i could never handle.
my husband and i are actually already in counseling b/c of the physical violence and we'll see how this thursday goes when this will come out. he is willing to get some accountability. so these are good signs and things to praise God for. i still feel so broken hearted i hardly know what to do.
i will look into the book but he's not a big reader at all.
thank you both for praying.. it helps a lot to not feel quite so alone.
Anonymous, 20s married
"Thibby"
1. My tendency has been to view men as gods.
2. Men seem to hide their insecurities to the "world" better than women. Most women I know wear their insecurities on their sleeves!
3. Definitely omniscience -- sometimes I just feel like I gotta know what I probably don't gotta know. If I had my husband's email address, I would probably check it. And for what? (We're going through a time right now and I'm trying to give him space but it's really hard and I want to know what he's doing and such. Omniscience is my enemy...) In this case, what I don't know, I don't need to know.
Cathy
Married
40s
Birmingham, AL
I definitley waffle back and forth between men being gods and devils. I want so badly for them to be gods, but deep down I fear they are all devils. Eek! This was such an eye opener for me to really evaluate how I view men and to realize that they too face a ton of insecurities that impact their actions. I'm so glad to have healing in this area and to really SEE them as men and neither gods nor devils.
I resonated most with omniscience. I have done way too much "investigation" out of fear that someone is lying or will lie to me. I have such a difficult time just trusting the providence and sovereignty of God in some situations, especially those involving men.
Looking back, I can see how these misconceptions and insecurities have affected relationships. This study came at just the right time, I'm so ready to leave all of it behind and continue on to true security. God is active!
P.S. this is my first post on the blog!
Single
29
1. In all truthfulness, in my past I looked to men as devils, however through the grace of God my heart has softened, Praise His Name.
2. With my day-to-day observances I have seen men try so hard to prove they are men and women don't try to be women we just are, but we deal with a lot of fear of losing our womenness or at least our ability to attrack as women, beauty on the outside not in. It scares us so.
3. Omnipotence!!!!! This is too funny, as I was listening to your book on audio Chapter 11, conviction hit me so hard, this morning I placed another small quick book for my husband to read, which would help him greatly, in the stack of his reading material, all of which I had placed in the past, needless to say when I got home I immediately got it and put it back on the shelf, laughing at myself. Thank you for being so transparent!!!! Blessings.
Debbie
This study is incredible and gets better and more powerful with each chapter. I kept delaying the read of Chapter 9 for one reason or another. Last night was the evening that I was truly meant to read it. I'm at a crossroad. I am currently unemployed and have had a home up for sale for almost a year with no sale in sight. It brought tears as I prayed that prayer outloud to my Lord - I prayed for direction and financial peace and released some heavy burdens I've been carrying. God is using you, Beth - you are touching so many lives with insights given to you by God, all for His glory. What a powerful prayful chapter - one that can be used time and again. I'm ready for Chapters 10 & 11. You are a blessing...
Amherst
50s
Single
Carolina Cheesehead - I was so excited in reading your post because I remember when I figured out that my husband was not my knight in shining armor (who couldn't stay on the horse) but Christ was. I laughed, I cried, I was an emotional wreck dancing around because it was such a freeing time for me. And then I kept reading blogs and saw how you came back to say how you were scared that you would offend someone. I just want to reach through cyber space and hug you. God bless you woman - you made my day - TWICE!
Rene
40's
Claremore OK
Married
Kate
Baker City, Oregon
Single
20s
1. I have the tendency to view men as gods, when really, they are simply men and mess up just as often as women do.
2. Women's insecurities are much more "out-there" and we often wear them on our sleeves and the emotions of being insecure drive our actions. Men are not as obvious in their insecurities, but there are definitely there, down deep in their heart and threatening absolutely everything he is. However, we as women, do not see it so we think it is not there.
3. Omnipotence. I am a Type "A" personality and like to control things around me. I try to take the power away from God when, really, I just need to let it go, and then much of my insecurity would disappear.
Blessings to everyone!
Single
40s
MD
Dear Beth,
You are wrecking me with this book. I'm afraid to read the chapters and afraid not to. "I'm half agony, half hope" (to quote Jane Austen). I'm keeping up though and this is my first time commenting.
While I took your warning to heart about chapter 7 and expected many emotions from chapter 9's assignment, I was moved to tears for the first time by chapter 10. Don't know why, but am sure God will show me (and will no doubt use you to do it).
1) I've seen men as unfeeling devils while longing for closeness with one. My dad was not there for me emotionally and interestingly, the quote from Mark "I see men like trees, walking" is so apt. My father was an alcoholic until I was 10 yrs old but not a sloppy drunk. When he came home inebriated, my mother would say he was "high as a Georgia pine tree" and since he was also 6' 4", in my 7 yr old mind that image stuck.
2) I see mostly the fear of failure causing insecurity based on observations of my young adult son whom I raised as a single parent. Don't have a man of my own to observe (yet).
3) Not off the charts on either but would pick omniscience since I'm always leaning to my own understanding to trying figure out Jesus, the One and Only (what's He doing, why is it taking so long, etc). He is a constant source of mystery and intrigue to me. But I do KNOW He loves me and I love Him too.
And you too, Beth!
Loving this book.
Chapter 10
1)I would say that I think looking back at the way I was when I was younger men have been gods. I was obsessed with them. I would do anything for them.
2) The way I see men and women handle their insecurity are women dress the part, men always dress the same.
Women share their insecurity with other women , men just don't talk about it.
Women want company or just someone to hold them, men I think try to keep others at a distance.
Chapter 11
1)Resinate with me! Beth you pegged me!
I am so omnipotence. Thanks for pointing out how controlling I am!
I knew I was a control freak with my kids but I backed off I never realized I just shifted over to my husband (or maybe I was always with him too).
On page 211 you describe me to a T. I thought all I was doing was helping him be happy. (I am glad I am not the only one who does this.) Now I see I was trying to make me happier. I got a kick out of reading that page. I must be the biggest pain. I am going to be very aware of what I suggest to him from now on. I know in Gods perfect timing He will make my husband perfectly happy. I know he is off to a good start God put us together:)
Thanks for this chapter it was fun. I still need help.
Rosie
50 married
Tacoma Wa
I have tended to look as men as devils. I think I have seen them speak one way, and then their actions do not line up with their words, so I have seen them as not to be fully trusted.
2) Most men I know withdraw from arguments with their wives, so I guess I see the withdrawal thing. I think respect is very important to men, so if they feel they are put in a situation where they may not increase in respect, they do not try it.
3)I think I struggle with both wanting to know everything and controlling everything, but mainly wanting to control. I do not need to be the boss, I just need to keep everyone SAFE.
Married
40's
Nancy
single
late 30s
1. For me, it has been both -I often make men out to be the villian, attributing them with negative ideas. But, the man who I let close to me can become almost God like. And all my life, my father has held a high spot which made it hard for any other man to live up to how I esteemed him.
2. It seems like a lot of the insecurities are the same, but that they manifest themselves in different behaviors.
3. Both of these resonated with me, though omnipotence has definitely been the stronger of the two. However, as I noted with my group, omniscience allows for greater omnipotence. When I have been meshed up in the mind of another with excessive knowledge, I have had greater ability to control.
1. Devils or gods? I’d say a bit of both – devil due to the victimization I endured and a god because of the domineering stepfather who made life very difficult.
2. It seems guys suffer more in the “doing” of their lives; it's performance based value. Women aren’t as driven by performance as they are by what others think of them.
3. I seem to teeter between them both but omniscience wins out. The needing to know thing? That can really drive me to know more than I need to. I’m not talking about knowing what my husband is doing, but my teenage daughter? Now that is what I can get a little crazy over. I struggle to balance her privacy with my insatiable desire to know what’s going on in her life. And yes, I’ve read her diary. I’m not sure if I’m proud or ashamed of the fact. I appreciate all you’ve said on the topic and one point is so very true. What to do with the info you get? You can’t confront them. Then what?? Information can be difficult to deal with. I’m still praying this one through. What to do with your child when they won’t talk to you? I don’t harass her with questions, but the desire to know is hard to handle.
Karen
Married
40's
Virginia Beach, VA
30's / married
Rogersville, TN
1. I do not think I consistently grouped men, as a group, into one category or the other. BUT, I absolutely viewed a few - one in particular- as a god, and was devastated by his early passing. No doubt I worshipped him. I've also thought of one or two as devils, however, my historical tendency has not been extremely strong to either side.
2. I was really struck by pg. 194-195 by the withdraw/cling analogy. That is so true, although I never really considered it before. In my own estimation, I see bragging/pride somewhat more obvious as a manifestation of men's insecurities and self-loathing or self-pity more typical of women.
3. "People who are chronically insecure often have an overwhelming tendency to become control freaks"pg. 209......BUSTED. The funny thing is at some points in my life, I have tried to be much more controlling than I am now. However, there are still many areas I feel the need to manipulate and control.
1) gods
2) The way they display (or don't) their insecurities. Then there's also the little voice in my head that tells me that the insecurity/pressure of living up to providing for a family seems to carry a little more weight than some of my own insecurities.
3) Omnipotence - hands down. You actually pegged me on pg 209 (to which I highlighted and wrote "ouch" beside). "We feel most secure when our environment is in control, and since no one is able to control it to our satisfaction, we decide we have to do it ourselves." <-- That's me. Now that I see it I pray God helps me change it!
1. My tendency has been to view men more as gods. Much damage was done to my self-esteem through not being noticed by them...not feeling I measured up, wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, popular enough, etc. I think I thought that finding a guy would validate me. Low self-esteem and insecurity eventually led me to marry the wrong guy. (My mom says she thinks I married him because I didn't think I could do any better.) After that marriage failed, I married an amazing man. Then I set him up as a god, poor guy. That's a lot of pressure on a man! Two years into our marriage we found a church and returned to God, and I've since let him off the hook as my god.
2. I think a lot of men have their security wrapped up in their jobs, in their ability to provide for their families. I know my husband gets great pleasure and self-esteem out of providing for us. If he's having a tough month, he comments that he feels like he's letting us down, that he's not doing his job (to take care of us). He has told me that it makes him very happy to take care of me. It feeds his worth. As for women, I think our insecurities are more in how we think others see us. We worry about our beauty, our weight, how we act, what we said, what people might be thinking of us and how we are being perceived.
3. Omnipotence and omniscience...did either of these resonate with me? Oh my sakes alive, yes! I have pried into my husband's past, wanting to know how many women he's slept with, details about past relationships, etc. AND WHY??? It only hurts when I find out...and these women have NOTHING to do with me. He always says, "Why do you do this to yourself?" I don't know. As for omnipotence, here's where I torment him about why he doesn't read the bible (yet he has a considerable knowledge of it), when does he pray, how does he pray, why don't we pray together, doesn't he want to grow spiritually, etc. He loves God and is a man of integrity. People who know him know he's a Christian and I think his life shows people the character of Christ. But because his spiritual life doesn't look like mine, because he's not demonstrative, I feel like I need to make him more of the spiritual leader in our home. I want so much for him to take the lead, and so I interrogate him. I don't want to be annoying, but I don't like feeling like the spiritual leader of the family. Certainly prayer would be a better way to go about this! :)
Lisa
Happily Married
40
Bothell, WA
Anonymous 12:27 am. I have gone through that as I've gone through this book. I believe it is the enemy lying to make us feel as if we are alone and have valid reasons to feel insecure. This is what he has said to me, "See, it might work for them, but you really are pathetic. You have no security so why bother?" On and on and on. I came here and posted the other day because I totally felt invisible in my life. I completely felt hopeless. I was in completely and utter agony. You know what happened? I finally confessed to someone "with skin on" how I was feeling and we talked through some things and she encouraged me to pray through my house. I started walking through my house and praying through every room and praying the blood of Jesus over our home and all of us and the more I prayed the more I felt it fall off of me. My circumstances haven't changed, but my mind has. I am not going to let the enemy convince me I have no value anymore. I will be praying for you.
To Kerri from Kansas City: Your honesty in your post about "spying on facebook" really spoke to me. I have often felt that facebook is almost too much for someone like me, who just has to know or wants to know everything. I often feel a little nudge from God saying, "This isn't healthy". I don't need to know everything about my past boyfriends' current lives or about those who hurt me once. In some ways, it has been liberating to actually make peace with people I might not have ever had the chance to otherwise, but I can see that it can be a dangerous place for me.
I asked my husband what he thought the differences between men and women's insecurities were. He right away said men are insecure about failing and about not measuring up as a man. Then he said he didn't know why women are insecure, he doesn't understand them. :-) He eventually got around to "they compare themselves to others and are competitive for their insecurities." Things like, I'm not pretty enough or thin enough, etc. Interesting....
Week Six:
I tend to view men both ways. Until I get to know one I view them as gods and then when I begin to see their vulnerabilities or if they treat a woman badly I view them as devils.
Based on Chapter 10 I see men's insecurities are usually based on performance and results rather than on being.
I believe that we as women are taken with God's omnipotence because even as we try to contol everything, we really want to know someone is in control; His omnicience because it is comforting to know that Someone with much greater wisdom than I is at the helm and omnipresent because He was there all my life and through all the hurt that I suffered as He cradled me in His loving arms!
I love what Barb said about Christian fiction. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE that type book, but I think it can be dangerous as far as the expectations we set for our man in shining armor!
Chapter 9 was great. I was able to spend that time with God and really think and pray over the issues. I certainly feel less insecure and know now that God will continue to help me overcome.
Now this question about whether men are gods or devils - it is hard to wrap my mind around that. My experience with men has been great. My husband is very secure even when crisis comes and we have been married for almost 45 years and things have certainly happened in those years. We had financial problems with a business a few years ago and even in that he was secure in the Lord. As I read this book and think about the insecurities that I have dealt with, I wonder why when I have God in my life and a devoted husband! It is definitely time to let it go!
Thank you for sharing your life and showing us what God can do.
Married, 64
Well, today i can use some prayer from all the secure seeking siestas. Because of my past insecurities when it comes to men i will be meeting for lunch today with the wife of the man i had an affair with 6 months ago. Those insecurities led me down a path of lies and more insecurities. I'm done! I will be reading the prayer over again in chapter 9 as i begin to prep for this meeting. Beth, I am currently combining this book along with your Breaking Free bible study to break free from the bondages of patterns of insecurity that breeds a circle of bad behavior when it comes to my need to have male friendships over female. I have complete peace with this lunch and wear a crown of forgiveness. I am trading these ashes in for beauty.
lj
married
50
Well, today i am taking a step of faith! Because of my past insecurities when it comes to men i will be meeting for lunch today with the wife of the man i had an affair with 6 months ago. Those insecurities led me down a path of lies and more insecurities. I'm done! I will be reading the prayer over again in chapter 9 as i begin to prep for this meeting. Beth, I am currently combining this book along with your Breaking Free bible study to break free from the bondages of patterns of insecurity that breeds a circle of bad behavior when it comes to my need to have male friendships over female, among breaking free from other insecurities we have all talked about. I have complete peace with this lunch and wear a crown of forgiveness. I am trading these ashes in for beauty.
lj
married
50
First I want to say thanks to Beth for comparing men and women in a more comprehensive way. I think the tendency of authors is to over generalize both sexes in terms of stereotypes - which can be exhausting to read! There are differences between the sexes no doubt, but we are also very similar, and what may be true for one guy or gal may not be true for another. You made room for that, so I thank you.
1. I've thought of men as gods simply because my brother was always favored as a child, and I projected that onto God - that he must favor men as well. So I've always thought of them as having an edge over and against women. This has made me treat men as both gods and devils.
2. I see men's insecurity related to a fear of failure, as mentioned in the book - often played out in a drivenness towards success/status.
3. I have never thought about trying to take on God's rightful attribute of omniscience, but how humbled I was to realize this is true of me. I strive towards knowing things that don't belong to me. It is God's place to reveal to me not only things in life, but also truths of his word. And I get impatient and probably end up short-changing what he wants to do in me.
1. I have a tendency to view men as gods and as devils. But lean more towards treating them as gods. After being in 10 year emotionally abusive relationship I have learned to put up walls around my heart. Yet when I allow those walls to come down and get involved with a man then I treat him as a god. Which is so unfair to him, because it does nothing but set him up to fail.
2. Honestly, I don't observe that many differences between men's and women's insecurities. I think the difference is how women handle their insecurities. I know myself, I become this needy annoying woman that some of those men commented about.
3. Omnipotence more so than omniscience. I desire control over knowing every little detail of someone's business.
Ginnie/Florida/44/Single
Rachel
30s
Blaine, wa
married
1. Both gods and devils. Kinda depends on my mood and who the guy is
2. I think they act differently about them. Hide them quite often more successfully than women so you don't realiize they have them (supposedly)
3. Omnipotence AND omniscience. ugh. I think I want to and try to know everything but go craziest without the "controll". It occurs to me that part of the reason we want to and feel the need to controll is because in our insecurity we feel controlled by others and our insecurity so we feel it is possible and necessary for us to control someone/something. I am not sure how well I explained that but my kids just woke up and are running rampant so I must leave it at that. Just glad I had the chance to comment this week:) loving the book!
I just wanted to comment on those questions about what a mother can do when her child is abused...
Believe them. And don't make excuses for the abuser.
When I told my mother that my uncle had molested me at age 6, she actually said, "Oh, he was not right anyway." Totally excused his behavior b/c he's not all that smart anyway??? Didn't that leave me feeling so special!
Then! During a hospitalization for depression secondary to being abused/raped, my 4 yr old son was molested by the husband of the friend who was keeping him for me while I was in the hospital. I was devastated!!! But the first thing I did was to believe him and I went to the ring for him and fought to have that guy held accountable! Here, he was molesting his own daughter too.
My son is now 23, he's very capable, strong, sure of himself (sometimes too much). He doesn't even seem to remember that incident. But I'm so thankful he's not struggling with negative effects from it. And I simply believe it's because I "heard" and took HIS side.
So, soooo very important.
I'm sure there's more involved than this, but I can't underestimate the importance of being believed and fought for.
Opps, put my comments on the Spring Break date - Sorry
1. I have seen men as gods. I have really great role models of godly men in my life, and I've always been a romantic. So I was under the assumption that I would meet Prince Charming, he'd forgive all my faults and love me as I am, and we'd live happily ever after with him taking care of me. I did meet my Prince, but it is a joint process of loving, forgiving, changing, and accepting!
2. I think men's struggles are more externalized (career, friends, physical ability) and women tend to deal with issues wrapped up in our physical and mental identification (how we look, speak, think).
3. Definitely omniscience. I like to think that I have everything figured out for everyone else. "If they could only understand...they'd be fine." It's hard for me to be wrong...one point of contention early in my marriage was that I always finished my husband's sentences (and was usually wrong, lol). I had to realize that I needed to just listen and hear his unique thoughts rather than impose my own.
1. Generally I have viewed men as gods, because I have placed so much value on how they see me. If they see me as beautiful, desirable-that is good. If they reject me, then I am ugly and undesirable, unloveable. This view is ungodly and worldly and needs to change. Praise God I am beginning to look at myself how God sees me, and how my Redeemer sees me.
2. I most definitely agree with how we react differently to insecurity. My man definitely withdraws and I cling, usually at the same time because his withdrawal triggers my insecurity.
3. Omniscience. For some reason I believe that if I know everything about my husband, including what he thinks, I can ward off any potential of hurt to me by "correcting" him. (sounds omnipotent as I write this).
What a job!! So tiresome because it is not my job, nor is it within my power, to correct him. Only God can accomplish this.
And only for his divine purpose, NOT for my security!!!!
Kim
40's
married
Trenton, Ohio
In all truthfulness, it was hard to determine my tendency because I didn't realize I did either. But honestly, I would have to say "gods" because there have been a few I've put on a pedestal. I'll use my dad as an illustration because he was the first I ever put on a pedestal. I definitely realize now that he was not perfect and, although a perfectionist by nature and a very good man, he would not even desire to be put on that kind of pedestal.
The difference I see between men's insecurities and women's from a personal day-to-day observation in those I know best are: for men, the fear of failure to provide and achieve for the benefit of their loved ones, and for women, it deals more with comparisons to others or relating to others. I know this answer can be different in different people's circumstances, but am using examples from those closest to me.
Omnipotence. I so much know the better way and what would make my man happier and better. HA! You got me on this one. Definitely need to back off a little - no, a lot - on this one.
Dianne
Hartselle, AL
Married
50's
Robin
Cleveland, TN
married
50's
1. I think God's-for my husband can make me feel more secure than any one on earth. He can cheer me up when I am down and make me feel like I belong when no one else can.
2. When men are insecure they tend to try to prove themselves to make themselves feel better, or they get snippy. Me I get quiet and withdrawl from people. Women a lot of times admit to ourselves when we are way over our heads, even if it is in our own minds. Men can't admit it even to themselves.
3. Omnipotence or omniscience a little of both. I want to be in control so I won't get hurt, and do this in a way that I feel as if I am in control and know how. I have let God open my eyes to the fact that people who are control freaks are most of the time insecure people themselves. He is leading me to believe that making a comment or a suggestion and let God do the rest is best, just plant the seed God has given me to say.
In week 8 of Breaking Free on the audio Beth you told us that even if we don't feel as if we fit in at church we must remember that we fit in with Jesus, and we are a perfect fit. I needed to hear that right now. Satan is making me feel as if I don't fit and to be reminded that I will alway fit perfectly with Jesus is what I needed to hear. Thank you Jesus for that timely message.
I'd have to say men have mostly been devils in my mind - even to the point that I never respected male teachers in high school or college. Besides my husband, there have been practically no men that I've trusted. (Not really even my pastor.) Not sure that it's even a big problem - except, of course, for the fact that I have two sons. :)
I saw my husband in your descriptions of their insecurities so very clearly. It made me feel for him so much that I am now praying that God will show him that he is a Man. I think the big difference with insecurities in men and women is that men fear failure, because it lessens their manhood, their "person", their value as a human being. Women, mostly, maybe just want to be secure, loved, and therefore, valued as a person. God did create Adam first - to lead, to provide, and Eve second - to help him.
I'm glad I'm more able to see what motivates my husband's moods, so that I can let go of trying to control him. That certainly lets me off the hook for him. God knows what he's doing. Thanks, Beth.
Julie
Alabama
30's
Married
Sherri
41
Missouri
Single
1. I tend to view men as gods, in the fact that I feel I need to be in a relationship with one to feel whole. I also tend to wrap my life around that guy, whoever it may be; I remember my best friend telling me that I think everything this particular guy did was interesting, even when he goes to the bathroom, I thought it was fascinating!
2. Men seem to worry more about their accomplishments in life, what they have to show for themselves; women seem to worry more about their relationships in life, what they can do for others.
3. I am the two headed monster. I want to control everything and everyone. Excuse me, if you could do it my way and in my time, we both will be so much happier. I even want God to fall in line! But I also have to know everything, I could relate to the story in the book. Christmas was the end of a bad relationship for me. He told me he wanted to see someone else, he was seeing someone else! Instead of just letting go, I wanted to know why, when, where did they meet, how come I wasn't enough. Why do I have to know all these other facts? He isn't with me anymore should be all I need to know; he wasn't the one...why do I have such a difficult time moving on!?!?
1.Do I view men as god or devils? It's so incredible for me to think about this and make the connection with where so many of my insecurities started. I have 2 older brothers and an older sister. My brothers are 8 and 6 years older than me. I was picked on a lot being the youngest. Don't get me wrong...my brothers were and are great guys, but their taunting could be pretty mean spirited sometimes. My perception was that my sister was accepted by my brothers, and I was their target. I wanted so desperately to be accepted by them that I became almost willing to be the butt of their jokes just to get their attention. It's interesting that when I think about some of the boyfriends I had before I married, I chose guys who treated me the way my brothers had. I'd grown so accustomed to it that I suppose I looked for it. I'm now thankfully married to the sweetest man on earth who would never belittle me, but I struggle with feeling stupid sometimes. Whenever I make a mistake I apologize profusely because I think he's thinking that I'm stupid. It's so crazy!!!
2. I think women tend to struggle more with a need for acceptance and fear of rejection. Men, I believe struggle with being afraid to be vulnerable or not in control of their emotions. My husband has such anxiety in small groups and social situations yet can go to work and speak in front of 500 people!! He's more comfortable wearing his "work" mask.
3.I learned the very hard lesson about my problem with omnipotence through my relationship with my daughter. Beth, you're right...by the time she reached adolescence, it was a family free-for-all. My insecurity was wrapped up in how her actions and choices reflected on me as a mother. My struggle with her strong will started when she was 3 and had been made worse by the fact that her dad had died when she was 2. We clung to each other more like sisters, but when I needed to parent her, she wanted what SHE wanted. We were both grieving and broken. When she was a teenager my need to control her led to a need to know everything (omniscience). I had remarried and she now had younger brothers who were affected by our volatile relationship. When she was 19 she moved in with her boyfriend...I then had a choice...I could go crazy or I could surrender her to the Lord. I chose the latter, and God has given me such peace. I pray for my daughter everyday, and she knows how much I love her. I don't like the way she chooses to live her life, but I've let go of that need to control her. She's on her own journey. She's 22 now, and I've invited her to come to the SLI simulcast in April. Please pray that if it's God's will, that she will come. Thanks.
Laurie
married
40's
Beaconsfield,QC.
To DOUBLE J:
What you are about to do takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength. May God provide that for you today.
I have come to understand why affairs can happen and it has a lot to do with insecurities. My husband felt validated by the woman he had an affair with. Something I failed to provide him with as his wife. There is much more involved with it, but suffice to say that we were both not giving the other the things we needed from eachother. The affair hurt but it opened our eyes and good things came out of it. Your courage to face this woman may do the same for her and her husband. You are a good person.
Angie
50's
Married
Canada
I am inseure about posting a comment. This is my first. I just started reading So Long Insecurity so here are my responses from week 1:
The last time I came face-to-face with insecurity was last Sunday. I was feeling disappointed in my marriage---he can't hear me , see the real me. Neither can my children. I feel invisible, insignificant alone, lonely. I am worried over the prospect of re-entering the workforce--I can't do it, no confidence.
The definition of insecurity--what resonates with me is the chronic self-consciousness and chronic lack of confidence in myself and anxiety about relationships. It is exhausting being me! Insecurity limits me. I almost said no to a leadership opportunity in women's ministry. I agonized and deliberated over the decision for weeks, seeking assurance from close friends that I indeed had what it takes to be a successful leader. I almost said no!
I have felt insecure as long as I can remember. Chronic or what!?
Men are gods to me more than devils.(probably because I grew up with a military Dad)
Men have fear of failure (can I provide for my family?)
Women have fear of relationships (do they like me?)
Omnipotence, I lean toward control of situations, circumstances, even others at times but not out loud. Mostly in my mind, others may not even know that are around me.
40s
Florida
April
Lake Charles, LA
Married
30s
1. My tendency has been to see men as gods. To do what it took to please my husband (within reason!). Or to allow his moods/emotions to define mine. This isn't a really strong tendency, but I do see it at work in my life.
2. I think men tend to be insecure about their performance, and women tend to be insecure about relationships. My husband will feel insecure if his work isn't going well even if all the relationships in his life are great. I would only be insecure in that situation if I thought my work situation would affect my relationships negatively.
3. The desire for omnipotence resonated with me. There have been so many times I have tried to control my husband either as a way to get my security needs met or because I honestly thought I knew better than he did (which was probably true some times but not others). When I boil it down to its root, I think my desire for control really shows my lack of trust in God more than just a lack of trust in my husband. I don't always trust God to take care of me even if my husband makes a decision that makes life more difficult for our family. (Not that my husband has ever given any evidence of contemplating anything sinful or truly harmful, just things that could make more work/less time/money for him/us.)
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